Could you tell me a time where you have experienced Racism?

I tend to not let the racism I have experienced define my life, but I cannot deny that each racist moment that I have faced has impacted who I am now as an adult, somewhat tainting the way I see life as whole.

As an adult, I often look back on my early childhood and cannot help but remember the bullying I was subjected to because of the color of my skin and ultimately the way I looked. I would be lying if I said the words that my peers used back then, don’t still affect me to this day, even if subconsciously. This being in addition to the racism I still face now).

As a Pakistani child in a predominantly white school, I knew I was “different”, but I was raised to celebrate those differences and be proud of who I am and where I came from. So, when my race was used against me and I was greeted by racist remarks, I was truly in utter disbelief that people could hold such opinions. I like to believe though, that as a child, I was too innocent to be completely aware of the prejudice but maybe there's only some truth to that.

I wasn’t a shy child; I was confident. I would always be the first to put my hand up in class, would speak at assemblies and participated in a range of extracurricular activities. That statement on its own would insinuate that I had a great, enriching childhood and it pains me that the racism I encountered clouded all the good I did experience.

While the racism was consistent through primary, there was one week that brought me to my breaking point, I refused to go to school for a week after because I simply could not face another day of torment. It was also when I started to self-harm, which I only identified as such 2 years ago. I won’t detail every event that happened, because there are far too many, but I will tell you the first-time racism was apparent to me. There was one instance where a group of kids from my year were telling each other who they fancied and there was one boy who had said my name but backtracked and said that he was just joking and would never actually date a “Paki”. This was the first time I had been called a slur and being “different” felt like a curse, I felt myself wanting to shrink into nothingness. At 10 years old how are you supposed to process that? Up until that point I had deluded myself into thinking that every other instance wasn't racism but there was no denying this. I felt like a freak.

I don't think I have ever openly admitted it, but that remark still affects me now. I catch myself thinking, oh he must not like me because I'm brown. It’s ridiculous, but when I think of every other time that my race has been used against me why could this not be true?

For a while I made a conscious effort to try and push away these thoughts, refusing to accept that as long as I am alive, the color of my skin will be a drawback, that I will always have to work a little harder to prove that I am worthy or capable of anything. But I soon realized how damaging this thought process was and denying the reality wasn’t going to make it disappear.

Recently, I decided that instead of keeping these experiences to myself, I would share them. I would use my knowledge to educate and hopefully change people’s mindsets, opening their eyes to what is going on around them. To turn what society has deemed a “drawback” into my strongest asset and once again believe that being “different” should be celebrated, not ignored. I do still face racism now, but I look at it a lot differently. In the first instance, I will always blame it on ignorance, that you didn’t know better, or you haven't had the opportunity to educate yourself. I try and educate these people, and hope that next time, they think before they speak.