Could you tell me about a time you felt depressed and alone?

The majority of the time, moving from a small city to “the big smoke” is glorified - everyone always looks like they are living their best life, having the most amazing time, beginning their career and meeting lots of new people. However, people often leave out how lonely it can feel being in a big city, knowing few people and not actually enjoying your new job. 

Unfortunately, I ended up in the latter position. I moved down to London a month prior to Covid, which led to the decline in opportunity for much social life. At first this wasn’t too much of an issue, whilst my work team was small, I loved my job and felt extremely grateful for the opportunities it provided. I was fortunate in finding flatmates which were very welcoming, and introduced me to their friends who were all very like minded people. 

However, a year and a half later, I achieved a promotion. Whilst, again, on paper this looks like a positive achievement, it meant I worked in a different area of policy, with a new team. I was promised more responsibility in a fast paced role, but in reality I had very little to do each day, and very little contact with my team. I don’t know about anyone else, but I thrive off progressing, learning and having purpose. Not having much work every day left me feeling quite worthless; I felt like I wasn’t achieving, or growing as a person and as a professional, and it was really impacting my everyday life. On top of this, I had also moved flats at the same time, and was still working from home. I had a Skype call with my team around 2-3 times a week, for half an hour, and the rest of the communication was via email. I also never saw my new flat mates as they worked in the office, and had extremely little interaction with other people during Monday-Friday working hours. I began to feel very isolated, anxious and depressed. 

My personal life was not thriving either, having not been able to meet people in London via work my social network was small. I entered a relationship around the same time I moved flat, and began the new job - looking back now I can see this is a lot of change at once which would be overwhelming even if it was all going well. Sadly, my relationship quickly became quite toxic, and did not help my mental health. My partner at the time was not consistent, often gas lit me and I never knew where I stood. This added to the anxiety and feeling more alone than if I was actually single. I also felt conflicted even living in London away from my parents, as my mother was suffering with a terminal brain tumour. I felt like I should have been making the most of my time with her, and making memories, but instead I was sitting in my room Monday-Friday with little work and little interaction with anyone. Whilst she wanted me to do this for my career and independence, it wasn’t quite working out. I had no one who could understand what I was going through and able to talk about how I was feeling. 

All of the above led to me feeling extremely, extremely low. I had been in this situation for around 8 months - every week at work I would ask for more responsibility and more work load, which I was promised, but every week it did not happen. I asked to see my partner once during a week night to try break up my isolation, however this did not suit their position at the time and again, I just felt more and more alone. I did not feel comfortable in my new flat and as I became depressed, I didn’t feel up to attending the little social events I had organised. Also, every time I left the flat for shopping, a walk, or to go to the gym, I endured some form of harassment in the street which did not make me want to leave the flat either. 

Depression caused me to become so fatigued and lethargic, struggling to sleep at night and napping during the day. I found every day tasks extremely hard, and whilst I wanted to see people I couldn’t face getting out of bed. I felt stuck and like nothing would be able to change - work wasn’t listening and I was stuck in a contract in my flat. I ended up having panic attacks whenever I went out with my partner, or in bed alone at night when my mind was wandering. There were times where I considered what it would be like if I just went somewhere alone in the middle of the night and didn’t return. It was a vicious cycle, as the more depressed I got, the more angry I would get at myself for getting into this position and not being able to show up for my mother. 

I ended up seeking help, I sought free counselling services and contacted my GP. My GP recommended that I took time off work for my mental health and start Sertraline (antidepressants). The first 6 weeks of taking Sertraline were the hardest of my life. One of the side effects was suicidal thoughts, and I had to often fight these off. However, 3 months into them I began to see the positive effects. I was more receptive and had more energy to put my effort into making changes. 

I eventually quit my job, moved out of my flat, lived at home with my parents to help my father take care of my mother and be around her to make up for lost time, and began a social job at a restaurant. Whilst quitting a corporate job, moving home and working in a restaurant may appear on the surface as a setback, it completely changed my mental health for the better. I was interacting with people on a daily basis, making new friends, spending time with family, and that was the most important thing for me. I got my thrive to work back, I was able to help make my mothers day by randomly buying her flowers or giving her a big cuddle, and I met some people that helped show me there are so many happy days ahead of me. 

Making these changes also helped me show up better with my friends from University and home, who have been amazing helping me through this time and recently through the passing of my mother. If I hadn’t made these changes when I did, I believe I would not have been able to handle the situation of my mother passing as I am. Whilst grieving a loss is hard, and there are some difficult days, I want to make her proud by living my life to the fullest. I’m now looking to work abroad next year, travelling and making every day count. There will be the void of not being able to share these memories with her, but as my wonderful friends remind me, she’ll be watching me every step of the way. 

To anyone who is in a similar position, my best bit of advice is to seek help. There is no shame in asking for it, and it will only help you make those changes that you need in order to get better. You only get to live once, and we all deserve to be able to live it to the fullest.