Could you tell me a time you felt self love?

Self Love is a journey.

It’s impossible to talk about that journey without facing up to what came before. Self loathing.

I’m sure it’s a familiar tale to plenty of people. Tearing myself to shreds, overly critical about my abilities, about my body, about myself as a person. Imagining the worst things people could think about me and taking those to be truth. I’d try to take control of how I was feeling. To manage it in all the wrong ways. I was punishing my body by withholding things I like and need, like food and space to heal, and overindulgence in the household numbing agent of choice, alcohol. Strictly controlling my diet wasn’t making me any happier. My body got smaller but it wasn’t good enough. The workouts got tougher and became daily and were not to clear my head but to punish myself, to push my body to the brink. They didn’t help either. The booze helped. When I was drunk I didn’t give a damn about what anyone thought about me. I could stop the nonstop criticism in my head and just relax. It was wonderful. And then the morning would come and I’d be a wreck. But not from the hangover. It wasn’t the physical effects of the booze that left me crippled. It was the psychological effects. I was far more anxious than I previously had been pre-drinking. What had I said? What had I done? I’d probably made a tit of myself. People probably thought I was a terrible person because I’d have revealed that I actually am a terrible person. I’d want to hide and outwardly pretend it never happened whilst inwardly destroying myself. So I’d restrict my food, or kick my ass in a workout and punish myself to balance it all out. And it all worked out and I lived happily ever after in this healthy cycle of self loathing, numbing and more self loathing.

The one thing I was fairly sure I was good at was my job. When I was at work I was fine. The worry and bullying would mute and I’d spend my days helping other people solve their problems and helping them overcome their anxieties. Before I knew what had happened I had thrown far too much of myself into my work and I had a serious burn out. My mental health hit rock bottom and I couldn’t work. I couldn’t do much at all. I felt like a shadow of a person, vaguely human shaped but completely unable to function. The self loathing took on a whole new level and all hope escaped me. I would look at old photos of myself laughing and smiling and think ‘Why can’t I be THAT woman? She was actually pretty fun. She laughed. She has friends. She knew what she wanted in life. She was pretty cool. Why didn’t I appreciate her when now I am THIS wreck?!’ This was retrospective self love accompanied by the greatest self loathing I’d ever felt. Self loathing which convinced me that the world would be better if I wasn’t in it. It was dark. And hard. And I wanted to be the woman I used to be. I wanted to have a second chance and to appreciate her and tell her I loved her, show her the affection that she needed and deserved so that she’d never leave me again. No wonder she’d left when all she’d had from me was shit.

I made some drastic life changes, quit my job, took a considerable amount of time off and worked only on projects I was passionate about but that I could manage, promising myself I’d duck out if I started noticing those patterns of downward spiral again. Steps towards self love can be big or small. Talking to people about my breakdown and what had happened reduced my anxiety. I realised I wasn’t alone. Then things like curating my Instagram feed and removing anyone who made me feel bad or critically compare myself to.

I stopped drinking alcohol. That alone has been the single biggest act of self love, the biggest step, and one of the toughest parts of this journey. When I have a bad day all I want is a large glass of wine (or five!), evidence that to me it is a numbing agent, a way to avoid facing up to my issues and communicating how I feel. Instead I’ll have a lemonade and open up about how I’m feeling. Shock horror, it’s far more effective than deadening my emotions! Sobriety has shown me that I’m good at conversation, can make people laugh, can still tell a good story, can dance and sing and be in the moment completely stone cold sober. This woman can still be life and soul and be sober. It’s a great feeling. So is the sweet joy of waking up hangover free! I’ve been embracing my body. It’s changed since I started to allow myself to eat what I wanted. I look in the mirror and see how far I’ve come. I see the curves and wobbles and feel proud that they’re there because they show me how far I’ve come. A year ago I’d have bullied this body away.

I’m still growing, getting to a stage where I’m ready to work out again but my fear of obsessive exercise in the name of faux self love is still there. My body needs me to move but it doesn’t deserve to be punished. I’m not confident I can get back into a regular workout routine without slipping back into old habits. I know i’ll write this and send it over and then worry that it’s not good enough. I’m still learning and that’s ok. Baby steps. Self Love is a journey.