Could you tell me a time you felt confident?

If you asked me if I felt I was a confident person I’d tell you no. But I suppose that’s because I know how I feel ‘behind the scenes’. I feel I’ve always imagined this ‘confident character’ as this untouchable, collected, unflinching person that's always cool in any given situation. They could literally take on the world and would just take it in their stride. I mean I still get nervous and awkward at the idea of meeting new people and that really doesn’t go with this idea of confidence I’ve made up in my head. It’s also just the complete opposite of who I feel I am.

But I know I’ve grown a lot in confidence throughout my life. With all the time stuck by myself in lockdown I’ve had so much time to really reflect and just appreciate who I’ve become.

I remember when I was around 13 or 14 I was really stuck in my own bubble. I wasn’t confident in myself in any way and I let this hold me back so much. I used to sweat answering the phone to an unknown caller, I found it so uncomfortable and felt I would only  embarrass myself or say something stupid. Knowing the answer in class but never putting my hand up to answer. I never used to be able to go into a shop on my own because I was terrified of having to interact with the person at the till. I remember having to beg my parents to go into the shop for me and if they didn’t I would just go without. You can only imagine how relieved I was when they introduced self check out. I remember bursting into tears after being turned away for a job experience interview because I had been so nervous to go in the first place. 

I can laugh about all these things now, among the numerous other embarrassing or silly things I’ve done. But at the same time looking back I find it sad. Not because I had these feelings, being nervous or worried is a natural reaction and is totally normal. It’s more because now I can see how I let these feelings stop me and I probably missed out on so much. 

I’m not really sure what changed. I probably just slowly unlearned my own bad habits or just pushed myself over time. Being faced with new opportunities like volunteering overseas or going to university I didn’t want to be stuck so I just went for it. A lot of fake it ‘til you make it until it wasn’t as fake. Learning who I am and to just love myself for it has definitely been a big step. 

I do remember one day though that it just clicked, that people are just people. It sounds obvious but I think when I was younger I was just too scared and in my own head to realise everyone's just normal. We’re all just trying to figure each day out as it comes. I still feel nervous sometimes but the only difference now is I don’t let those negative feelings hold me back.

Confidence is weird and thinking about it now there’s so many different aspects to it. I know now it’s not this all encompassing thing. It’s not black and white. Actually the reason I got turned down for my job experience was because I had dyed my hair bright blue. Did I suit it, who knows but I loved it and it made me so happy. So to be confident I don’t have to be great at everything or be ready to take on the world every second of the day. Knowing what my strengths are, just doing my own thing and not apologising for being myself is my own way of being confident.