Could you tell me a time you didn’t feel enough?

I’ve always struggled with thinking I am not enough; in school, at work, as a friend or as a daughter. But over the past couple years I’m starting to realise that I am enough and I shouldn’t let the challenges in life let me feel otherwise. Kind of like this one, writing this. I’m so nervous to open up, let people have an opinion on what I have written or think its not good enough. But I’ll never know if I don’t try.

School just wasn’t for me. I enjoyed the social side of it and seeing my friends everyday, but the academic bit wasn’t my strong point. I was okay at most classes, failed a couple of exams but passed the majority. I was never a straight A student. I used to feel like shit about it. I’d over think everything, why can’t I do better? I’m never going to get into uni. I’m not got to get a good job. I’m going to disappoint my mum. I knew deep down none of this was true, but it’s hard not to let your head get ahead of you and let you believe you’re a failure. When I look back I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself. I don’t really have many clear memories of school before exams as my dad was leaving home and my anxiety, and I now realise depression, totally took over me. So getting up, putting on a brave face and going to school everyday, that was enough. I am dyslexic and my school didn’t really know how to support me apart from giving me a laptop and extra time. All the extra time did was give me 15 more minutes to think about how shit I’ve done and maybe try and spell check a couple things. But I sat every exam, I worked hard and tried my best, that was enough.

After leaving school I went to college to study fitness and wellbeing. I quickly released it wasn’t for me. I’ve always loved the gym and sports but studying it took the enjoyment away. I also didn’t make many good friends and felt quite alone. From seeing all my friends everyday and having a busy time after school, whether it was dance classes or hockey or work. To then nothing it felt like, was hard. Again I felt like a failure, like I hadn’t done enough and that everyone around me knew what they where doing and where they were going in life. But I stuck through it and got my HNC and planed to do Camp America over the summer. Then covid came about.

Like everyone, lockdown was really difficult. I’m a people person, I want to be around poeple most of the time. The last person I would want to be left alone with is myself. When I’m alone I have time to let myself overthink and feel emotions I don’t want to feel or acknowledge. Being with people is a distraction, a coping mechanism. But during lockdown I had no choice, my mum was still able to work and my younger brother was more then happy to play Fifa 24/7, so I had to learn to enjoy my own company. I hated it, I wanted to get away from myself and I hope we never have to going through something like that again. On the over hand I did learn how to enjoy my own company more and not to feel anxious at the thought of a day by myself. The only person I’m going to be with for the rest of my life is me. That’s a scary thought but now, kind of comforting in a way. I’m learning that it doesn’t matter if I am “enough” in everyone’s eyes. It is understanding I am enough for me, that is what truly matters.

I think a lot of these “not being enough” feelings came for my mum and dad’s split. As I have gotten older I can see how much it’s effected my relationships. My mum is the strongest person I know and I admire her everyday. She’s supports me no matter what and has such an open and positive outlook on life. She is just a bundle of enjoy. I think this is why I have a great group of friends who I couldn’t live without. My relationship with my dad is difficult. He drank a lot when I was growing up and it was ultimately caused the split. He moved out and went back home to Newcastle. Since then I see him a couple times a year. My dad is not a bad person but alcohol changes you. His addiction came before everything, including he’s kids. Every time we went to see him there was alway another lie or a new job because he lost the last one or another careless or selfish comment. I would worry about him ever night. The worst thing was I felt like he didn’t care about me and my brothers when he saw us. We where just a stepping stone closer to my mum, to look good for her so she’d take him back. That hurt, I really didn’t feel enough. Why did he choose to pick up the bottle instead of trying to rebuild a good relationship with his children. I just couldn’t get my head around that. I’m 21 now and have come to terms with who my dad is and our relationship. I know he loves me and his actions are just a result of his illness. I’ve almost come to peace with it and don’t let it upset me or effect the way I view myself. In the same breath, when it comes to relationships with boys, the trust issues come creeping back. I’ve never had a serious relationship and I think this is due to the fact I pick people who don’t have time for me and mess me about because that’s what I’m used to. Although I hate feeling like I am not enough for someone, its a familiar feeling I guess. Thats the only type of male relationship I know. I’m a very closed book and don’t let people in as I don’t want to feel hurt again. But I’ll never know what a good relationship is if I don’t let go and open up. Let’s just say, I don’t help myself.

I hope if anyone has felt like me before, realises that you are enough and no one is perfect. Life can be difficult and it’s not going to be plain sailing but I’m so grateful for the people around me and the position I am in. I still have no idea what I want to do or where I am going in life but I am happy. I am happy in myself and I’m sure of who I am and I can’t ask for much more than that. So if I am the only person I’m with for the rest of my life, that’s enough :).