Could you tell me a time life was moving faster than you?

I have a feeling that a fair few people reading this have experienced a feeling, at some point, where life felt as though it was miles ahead and out of reach. That you were never going to be able to catch up and enjoy it again. I certainly have. 

In August 2019, a month before I was moving to start university, a ‘relationship’ I was in ended unexpectedly. This caused me to spiral into a pit of sadness, anger and resentment. I had allowed myself to rely on this person for my happiness and to feel safe and comfortable with my upcoming move. Relying on them for support.I felt like a complete and utter fool and was left with a broken heart. 

With the upcoming move quickly approaching I couldn’t think of anything worse. I had been with the same people doing the same routine for years. I went to school every week day. I had hockey training every Thursday. Played hockey matches every Saturday. Every season had the same holidays. Every year I moved through the school I went with the same people. The thought of not having this stability petrified me. Anytime I had gone through any big changes or heartbreak before I had had the friends I knew and the love and support of my family. 

Suddenly I was in the back of the car surrounded by my belongings ready for my new flat. I could see my parents desperately trying to help me be excited for this new stage of life but for me it was one of the worst days I’d ever had. I had seen many of my friends already move off to uni and start their new adventures around the world. They all seemed so happy and excited to moving on from what we had known for the last six years. I couldn’t relate and I couldn’t think of anything worse. We arrived and unpacked, went out for lunch and then it was time to say our goodbyes. I was left alone in my new flat. I decorated my room full of things I knew and pictures of my friends. I made it cosy, the safe haven I knew I was going to need the coming months. My life felt as though it was ten steps ahead of me and I had no idea how to catch up. 

For the first couple of weeks of uni I tried to throw myself in, I went out on as many times as I could, attended hockey trails, made new friends and bonded with my flat mates. I completely used up all energy I had. After about two weeks I got the classic freshers flu and made my first trip home. I felt safe and comfortable for the first time in what felt like forever. This then became my new coping mechanism. Anytime I felt sad or lonely, which was most of the time, I would plan my next trip home. Home was safe, it’s where my parents and best friend were. It was the only place I felt was the same. 

So, I started to withdraw. I spent my days avoiding my flatmates and spent as little time with the friends I had made as possible. Instead I would watch greys anatomy and sob to a playlist I had made called cardiomyopathy, which is the medical term for a broken heart (this is something I now find humour in I must admit). I was always just waiting for the weekend to roll around so I could escape and go home. 

By the time Christmas came I was stuck in a depressing routine that I didn’t particularly want to change. I was constantly feeling down unless at home and even then the only reason I felt slightly better is because I was surrounded by some of my favourite people. 

In the January I had to pack my bags and move to Inverness for 5 weeks for a placement. My dad and I drove up and he dropped me off in a lovely b&b. Terrified once again of a sudden change and being completely alone I decided that this was going to be my opportunity adapt. Inverness was a challenging place for me to be. It was were the person I was seeing took me on holiday so it triggered a lot of emotions. I decided that I was going to revisit the places we had and make new memories there, so I did. I also learnt to enjoy my own company. I took myself to the cinema, went out for lunches and dinners and took myself for walks. I learnt that I didn’t need anyone to make me happy other than myself. I finally learnt to let go of a relationship that was never really going to happen and taught myself new and healthier coping mechanisms for change. 

When my placement came to an end I found myself excited to go back to Dunee, a feeling I never thought I’d experience. I’d spent so long hating the city and what it meant being there that I failed to see the opportunities it offered. When I returned I jumped back into life. I found enjoyment in spending time with my friends and going out. I fell back in love with hockey and the social aspects it gave me. I started to really enjoy my course and I solidified friendships that I know will last a life time. It started to feel like another home. So when covid hit, I was able to take it in my stride. I liked the slow pace of life and the quiet it offered for a while. I also enjoyed the ways I had to get slight more creative to keep in touch with my friends. Truly making an effort with those important in my life once again. 

When second year rolled around I was ready. I was excited for a new flat, new semester and new start. I was excited for the changes coming, even if some of them turned out to be overwhelming I knew how to deal with them. I really started to enjoy life again. Learning how to deal with the good the bad and the ugly. 

I won’t lie, I’m still not particularly a fan of change but I know how to deal with it now. I know how to accept it and find enjoyment out of the opportunities it offers. The friendships that I may make and the things I will learn. I try and remind myself of this now when going through something completely different to most of my peers after completing my degree a year earlier, and having a pretty full on job. 

So, although sometimes life feels like it’s moving on far quicker than you are and you would rather stay where you are, it’s important to remember what these changes may bring. Letting go of the past can be hard but as the saying goes be happy that it happened not sad that it’s over. Be excited for the new things, people and memories to come. It’ll be worth it in the end.