Could you tell me a time you felt lonely?

Before I went off to university in 2016 my mum gave me a book by Dr Seuss called “Oh, the places you’ll go!”. At the time I didn’t think much of it, apart from one quote which has always resonated with me “Alone! Whether you like it or not, alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot”. In  the last 10 months the feeling of loneliness and feeling alone has been common place for me. 

I left to study abroad in Germany in September of 2018. Whilst a major step out of my comfort zone I have always had a great support network of friends and family around me. Despite this, about a month in I couldn’t help but feel alone and generally down in the dumps most days. As I watched friends go to my favourite pub together, or go clubbing, I began to feel isolated from my own life, as if I was watching everything happen from an outside perspective. It made me realise how lucky and privileged I am being surrounded by the best people and having amazing opportunities at my feet, my chance to study abroad being one of the best. However, I found it hard to process that I was no longer at home, life in Scotland was continuing without me. I had no problem making friends, or being sociable, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I was completely and utterly alone. I have been lucky not to experience loneliness before, but because I hadn’t I was scared, and it took a massive toll on my mental health not feeling like I fitted in, or had anyone around me who would understand (understand what, I don’t know). I was unable to and still am unable to explain why I felt lonely, which made it a whole lot harder to overcome in those 10 months. 

As I saw my friends and family enjoying themselves through my phone, I decided it would be easier to just not see it, and then I wouldn’t feel lonely or sad because I wouldn’t know what else was going on. This resulted in me deleting social media apps for around 2-3 weeks- a quick fix. But I downloaded the apps again because I genuinely missed my friends and seeing what they were up to. I was in a bit of rut, unable to help myself, sitting alone in my room watching my friends go out via Instagram or snapchat made me miss them and my family. Yet, I wouldn’t go out or be sociable I just would often sit at night and wallow in my self-pity, feeling lonelier than ever. This was completely and utterly my own fault, and I knew that. I wasn’t helping myself in anyway, continuing to mentally and occasionally physically isolate myself from others. 

This may seem strange to people reading it who know me well, as I have never mentioned or implied, I was lonely. My social media from my time away also doesn’t show any hint that I was struggling, which I am ashamed off. As I let social media portray something completely different to how I was actually feeling, instead of being honest and open that being away from my friends and family was tough. But I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone I felt alone. I knew explaining to someone why or how I felt lonely, when I have so many great, wonderful people who are always there for me would seem absurd, and I refused to tell anyone.  Instead I kept it to myself, continued my normal activities of exercise, class and counting down the days until I was home. Not telling anyone made my loneliness worse, and I mentally disassociated myself with back home. This led to anger and frustration as anxiety and stress kicked, being unable to process how I was feeling. I became hugely reliant on Mark, my boyfriend. Unsure who else to go to, he became my punching bag and I repeatedly took my loneliness, turned into anger, out on him. Even then, I felt he couldn’t possibly understand, resulting in frequent arguments and breaks throughout my time away. I even called Student Services back home for advice, to which they appeared perplexed by my feelings as I appeared to be doing just fine; exercising, trying to eat healthily, studying hard etc.  Which only made me question, was there a way to get over this feeling? I feared bothering my friends, family and Mark with such abstract problems of loneliness, I didn’t want to ruin their fun, or be a burden 978 miles away, so I didn’t but I wish I had. 

My mental health over the last 10 months has been a rollercoaster of extremes, which I attribute to loneliness. Instead of talking it out I kept it in, making me isolated and even more alone than I already felt only perpetuating problems in my head. Feeling lonely completely overtook my past few months abroad, so I regret not reaching out to people more frequently or pushing myself to see my friends more. However, I have learnt from my year abroad and it has been a huge learning curve. I still don’t know or understand why I felt so alone, but over the last week I have accepted that it’s ok to not understand. Accepting it is happening rather than questioning it has brought peace. I will be forever grateful for the everyday snapchats from my friends, and the texts asking, “How’s Germany?”. You have no idea how much of a difference they made, or much they brightened my day. So, I urge anyone feeling alone, or lonely reach out, send that text, start a conversation, call a friend. A small step can go a long way, and as Dr Seuss says “Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So… get on your way!”.