Could you tell me a time you felt you didn’t deserve love?

A lot of people beginning to read this blog may relate to having only a few people in this world, that understands them completely.

In 2019 I had everything going for me, finishing school, good grades, in a happy relationship. Little did i know what was to come. In the September I went off to study at university. I quickly realised I would not be happy there and struggled to fit into my new way of life without any support. It was easy to rely on my partner at the time for a glimpse of happiness in the week, enabling me to take my mind away from the loneliness. For a while I felt lost, i was rarely happy and if I was it was because it was temporary. My emotions were hidden away, I would find myself sitting alone in my room, wishing I could take care of myself and watching the clock tick.

A couple of months went by and due to Covid I was able to change university and transfer into second year back home. I felt things were looking clearer with the change of university and location but the trauma and anxiety was far from being healed, i was living in a continued spiralling mindset.

My anxiety began to spike again with constant triggers and I was in denial about needing to see a therapist. After 3 years my relationship ended it left me struggling to find a purpose or to support myself. All the past trauma and anxiety of being alone from my first failed university experience came flooding back.

Lonely and alone. that’s when the dark hole of self hate started and the never ending feeling of not wanting to exist anymore became more prominent.

The thing about depression is that it controls time, suddenly you find your days blend together to create a hopeless loop which feels never ending.

Change is something a lot of people reading this will not notice, but it has a negative impact on your mind. I struggled a lot with coping with change and the unknown. Having been in a relationship where I felt safe and looked after and then being on my own triggered a huge feeling of self doubt and that I couldn’t not look after myself and led me to be a shell of the person I used to be.

I challenged myself whilst waiting for the day to just be finished, trying to remember what made me happy, but my mind had a permanent black marker crossing out all the joy that had entered my life in the past.

I’m now very open about getting help whether it’s therapy or doctors medical advice. Most people create a false narrative in their heads of what a person may be like just from their looks or what they come across on social media, but that isn’t always the case.

With my diagnosed existential crisis in full swing by the new year in 2021, my hair was falling out and i was at my lowest weight. I was not the girl who was perceived on social media anymore. I didn’t recognise her.

My anxiety got worse and with it not getting better i had no choice but to leave my job, my car keys were taken off me and my phone was given to my mum and dad. I felt i had no personality and lost my independence.

Scared to close my eyes at night but when I was able to I would be sleeping for days, not eating for weeks and unable to look in the mirror they were soon covered up, scared to look at the new person I had become.

Support from my small, close group of family, friends and ex partner was the only thing keeping me going, not being on my phone meant I lost a lot of people due to not replying or not seeing them for the 7 month time period. But I quickly learnt it is okay to take your time.

I managed to get help from a therapist who understood my trauma of not coping with my own company and helped me work on ways to get through my triggers. I came off social media for 5 months as whatever i did or posted i thought people would hate me. I didn’t love any part of myself or felt i deserved to be loved.

After several months I started to feel different, i bought a dog which made me get up in the mornings. I felt responsibility for him and that i needed to care for him.

I got closer with my dad who is my number one fan and reminds me everyday the potential i have to do great things and to not give up on this beautiful and amazing life i have been given.

In the June I decided to take the plunge and moved away from home, realising that it could be the best or worst thing that has ever happened to me. The truth is, how can you heal in a place where you’re constantly reminded of your old self. i met new friends and had a lot of time on my own, forcing me to enjoy my own company.

It is almost a year after my existential crisis and I would never of imagined the things i have done or places i’ve seen. Or that i had just visited Paris by myself.

I think the truth is, sometimes it’s the things that we don’t want to lose, that end up being the things that are control our peace, and maybe the next stage in your life is about being honest with yourself and be willing to admit that the things you’ve held onto for years may not be worth holding onto anymore and maybe its best to just let go of the past.

You are capable, you are important, and above all you are loved.