Could you tell me a time you felt you were being punished?

My time is now. I’m being punished for the decisions I’ve made. The world is against me and against my connection to the country I love and have dreamed of living in since I was a first grader. The world doesn’t want me to explore its beautiful hidden gems and taste its many different cultured foods and meet people from every corner of life. 

Everything was in my way; School, work, relationships, money, time, sickness but mostly excuses.  

I worked for 7 years in an industry that cares mainly about profit rather than its people. I was unheard, working long hours, choosing work over time with family and friends, I was invisible until the days I turned up late in the mornings because I had worked late into the evenings. Tired, bullied, too young, please believe me I tried so hard. I wanted to implement changes for the better, I wanted to show that we had best interests at heart and that we cared. I truly loved the elderly I worked for. Three companies in the same industry later, working my way up so I can be the decision maker, a failed 7 year relationship with my partner at the time, severely underweight, marginally unhappy, the backstabbing and the bullying is enough. I quit. I was offered a demotion and told I would keep my same pay, honestly I’ve never wanted so much less money in my life. All my body breaking work and they still think it’s about money? No thank you. 

I went to work for another company in the same industry, but at a lower position where my name would hardly come up. I mostly kept to myself, but did meet some wonderful people and learnt a lot. They helped me towards my goal. Get out of home and travel the world, move to Ireland. They encouraged me and they supported my dreams. It’s now two years later, I’m across the other side of the world, so close, but further than ever. 

The decisions I’ve made, the choices I am living with, have lead me to where I am now. Not Ireland. I am sad, I am hurting, lockdown is turning me into a pessimist, this isn’t me. I feel guilty for thinking I’ve made all the wrong decisions, taken the wrong roads and options available to me at times. Was I supposed to stay in the industry and work harder? Until I was the decision maker and I could change lives for the better? I could implement more to make people believe everything was going to be ok? Did I give up on them too soon? Was I supposed to continue on my own path to Ireland and not follow the one that took me to Scotland? Every time, I’ve pushed my wants and needs aside for others, because I always want to do right by others. Does the universe think that was my way of saying I don’t need my dreams too? Is that the signal I’ve sent?

You can laugh and say it’s silly, it’s just another country dear girl, you’ll get there eventually. But I should have been there already. Have you wanted something for 22 years and finally gotten off your butt to make it happen, made it so close to having it in your hands only for it to be ripped away right in front of your eyes? This is my dream we’re talking about, this is the intense connection I feel to that land we call Ireland. This isn’t something you laugh at. 

I lay awake most nights wondering if I’m being punished for something I’ve done, said, or something I didn’t do. If there’s something else I’m supposed to be doing. It’s getting harder everyday, with lockdown and restrictions confining me to this one place. I am a traveller. This isn’t right. My feet should not be rooted like a tree, they should be wandering. 

My partner, bless him, gets me out of the house as often as possible. Has helped me through so much and still does everyday. Has taught me that yoga is a release and a time of meditation that really does help clear the mind for a short time. All it comes down to at this stage is that I just have to hold on to a sliver of faith that I’ll get where I need to be. 

Deep down I know I’m not being punished. Not that these actions make me a good person but I recycle and I beach clean and never litter, I talk people through their problems, I cook sensibly and never waste. I use vegan products and I care deeply for the environment. Sometimes it just feels that way, it takes small gestures and reminders to let me know I’m not a bad person that has made terrible mistakes and am now paying the consequences. I’m just a person who tries her best and will one day have her, my, dream put first, that’s all there is.