Could you tell me a time you felt uncertain?

I once got so uncertain about my life I pretty much stopped doing anything. I had just left a comfortable military job, good pay and all the rest. The decision to leave was not so hard, I was not content, I was not unhappy, but I did feel I at least wanted to try other things. I moved home and honestly, I never really felt comfortable being back there. An amazing opportunity to work as a scientist/engineer was offered to me, it sounded good - it was good. But I also had this underlying nag. It’s hard to describe exactly but something along the lines of a gut feeling, a quiet voice in the back of my mind, a kind of nudge pointing me in another direction. 

That other direction turned out to be the lifelong fascination with waves I had. I picked up my camera and started shooting waves almost daily. I loved it. It felt good. But I still had a decision to make. I did not know if shooting waves and surf could be a real career for me. That is when decision paralysis set in. I knew what I wanted to do, but I knew what everyone else thought I should do. Maybe it was the narrative so many young males have grown up with, get educated, get a job, get a house and so on, take safe options and don’t stray too far from the norms. I dislike a lot of that “old thinking” now, hell I think I even disliked it then but at the time that narrative was all I knew. 

I went so far down the rabbit hole, combing over my options I ended up becoming so uncertain that I was afraid any decision I made would be wrong. I stopped being productive, putting my whole life on binge mode – drinking, eating, sleeping, movies, PlayStation. It wasn’t until I rocked up unannounced at a friend’s house in tears that I was reminded in life we have no idea what leads to what. I was so afraid of missing out on things I didn’t even want that I was missing out on what I already had and couldn’t see what I could have if I leant into my true self. 

I began a process of looking inward, trying to understand the self. I was stuck in a narrow-thinking mind, given to me over years of socially acceptable terms and conditions and I had to break before I could see otherwise and begin moving my life in a purpose-driven direction. Being so uncertain and so stuck was a truly terrible feeling. It took looking inward, being honest with myself, speaking openly with those closest and learning to be aware of what I was allowing into my mind to break the mold. It took time too, it’s ongoing, but I am much more content now and I know it’s okay to speak about hard things. Plus I get to take photos of the ocean all time, which is pretty great too.