Could you tell me a time you felt suicidal?

Trigger Warning // Suicide // Sexual Violence

Until a few months ago, I would have told you that I didn’t know what it felt like to be suicidal. Suicide existed in my mind as a very specific scenario. Not circumstances or the act itself, but the result - a tragic end to a desperate situation. So you’ll need to excuse my surprise when a few months ago, while recounting an experience to my therapist, she used the word suicidal in response. Upon hearing the word that conjures up imagery of such desperation, my brain immediately disagreed. As I recoiled from my defensive spring, I realised, she was right. I was suicidal, just not in the way one would typically imagine. 

Almost exactly a year ago, I started counselling with Rape Crisis Grampian. Amidst the loneliness and boredom of lockdown, I was left alone with my thoughts and feelings around my various traumatic experiences. A huge part of the reason I ended up in counselling with Rape Crisis is because I had previously been in an emotionally abusive relationship in which I was raped. 

I’ve always found its difficult to explain how it feels to be in an emotionally abusive relationship. The ways in which the abuser demeans can be so subtle that recounting isolated incidents can sound like nothing. But these incidents are not nothing. Over time these incidents form a pattern of behaviour which ultimately cause intense harm. 

Through the abuse, my reactions to seemingly minor incidents became more and more explosive. I would react defensively, determined to stick up for myself and gain some sense of control. In turn, this made it seem like I was causing the arguments. My self-esteem, perception of myself and the world had all been brought into question until I no longer knew who I was. I genuinely thought I was going crazy. That time in my life was dark, and lonely. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me while it was happening, so how could I possibly articulate it to anyone else? 

I thought my only way out of this relationship was to take my own life. At 23 years old, I had plans to end my life at 40. 

I’m 28 now. One year and three months away from being 30, and I can’t imagine taking my own life. My dream of owning a cafe became a reality, and in turn it has raised over £6,000 in income to artists in my local community in just one year. I’m in a loving, committed relationship with the most wonderful human and I’m closer to my friends than ever. Most importantly, my relationship with myself has dramatically improved. I’m finally seeing my self worth. I’m getting to a place where I can quickly recognise and respond to my emotions. I know who I am, and you know what, I like myself, finally. 

I can’t imagine wanting to end my life in just over 10 years. I have a lot more to experience and so much more to offer the world. I’m grateful for my life and all the people in it. I’m extremely grateful for the help that Rape Crisis Grampian have offered over the past year. 

I would urge anyone in a similar situation to please reach out and get the help that you deserve. Whether you’re still in an abusive relationship (or you think you might be), whether you’ve left an abusive relationship, or if you’ve been sexually assaulted or raped - please consider contacting any of these organisations:

rapecrisisscotland.org.uk victimsupport.scot galop.org.uk (LQBTQ+) womensaid.scot (specific aid for women) abusedmeninscotland.org (specific aid for men)