Could you tell me a time you felt misunderstood?
A while back I was lying in an A and E dept of busy hospital having arrived by ambulance a few hours earlier. After a considerable amount of time spent with dedicated and caring NHS staff, I was discussing my situation with an experienced nurse practitioner. You know she said ‘you don’t look like someone with a chronic long-term illness’. It is meant as a kind thoughtful response which reflects a desire to make the recipient feel good about themselves. But it also frustrating, and I want to explain why.
This happens a lot – folks who know a little about my health issues judge my physical and mental wellbeing from my appearance. I have renal failure and must undergo daily dialysis sessions. The focus of my life is to remain healthy enough to undergo a transplant operation, a stressful and time-consuming exercise. I do manage to control my weight and take care of my physical appearance, but this takes a toll on my mental state – I recognize that I can be prone to anger frustration and moodiness. My standard response to folks complementing me on my physical appearance is to smile politely; inwardly I’m screaming ‘I’m not okay’.
Of course, the nurse understood my health condition, and given time (not available in an NHS A and E Department), I’m sure she would have been happy to sit, talk and listen. Other people in society don’t listen or miss the cues which encourage others to open up about their worries, frustrations and concerns. But its more complicated than that; we are conditioned by society not to complain. Society expects us to respond positively and in an upbeat way to those who ask us how we are in the morning. But we can’t be upbeat and optimistic all the time and family and friends need to try and pick up on cues, both verbal and physical which suggest that a person needs additional support and encouragement.
Over the last 12 months I have had the encouragement of some friends and family which has been enormously beneficial. Others, for whatever reason have been less forthcoming. Part of this is due to their busy lives or taking the easy option of avoiding the challenge of knowing what the right thing to do and say is at a time of need. I’m nearly in my seventh decade of life and come from a generation which wasn’t, by-and-large encouraged communicate their emotions. It’s my perception that young people are, by and large better at communicating their feeling and looking out for others well-being. But this goes further and deeper – it doesn’t mean that every interaction requires a deep dive into a person’s inner most feelings but sometimes that friend might be crying out for the chance to say:- ‘I’m not okay’ and open up a discourse. If we are ready to listen, look for cues and offer a shoulder to cry on we may make will make that friends day! I have benefited from these experiences on occasion, and they lift the spirits, realising that someone cares about my wellbeing.
In my professional life I was a manager in an international financial institution. Thinking back I now realise I was sometimes guilty of not being as empathetic as I should have been to the worries and concerns of staff. With the knowledge I’ve accumulated over the last few years I hope that I’m better equipped to help others in need of support when times are hard. I’ll certainly try.
