Could you tell me a time you felt hopelessness?
As I kid, I am absolutely certain adults must have described me as a sensitive soul. I’ve been a worrier for as long as I can remember, and I literally think caring deeply about everyone and everything is imprinted in my DNA.
When I was six, I accidentally headbutted my aunt’s cat - and I was inconsolable. I can still remember how I, after the headbutt, was sitting at the bottom of my aunt’s stairs, crying heavily while holding Lillebror (Swedish for little brother) in my lap. Because if my head was hurting (which it most certainly did), I could only imagine how sore Lillebror must have been. So I cried, and cried, and cried.
As a grown up I still feel all the feelings, and I feel them hard - and that is exactly why it was so scary when I, one day, suddenly didn’t feel them anymore. It was in October, 2019, and I was sitting in the audience of a Paul Simon tribute show. The star of the show was Josh Turner, and he was accompanied by the beyond talented, UK-based, South African Cultural Gospel Choir. They were playing Paul Simon’s entire Graceland album, live – and if I had been myself, I would have been absolutely beside myself with joy. Because I love Paul Simon. But instead of joy, I felt nothing that day. I felt numb.
I remember so vividly sitting next to my husband, and wondering if I’d ever be happy again. Would I ever laugh again? Would I ever get excited? Because at that point in time, I felt empty. Things that used to excite me, didn’t excite me anymore - and that scared me. Because I honestly questioned if this numbness would be a feeling I’d be stuck with for the rest of my life. And that, made me feel hopeless.
When you encounter a negative feeling for the first time, it baffles you. It scares you, and it makes you worry. It makes you wonder if those happy feelings you once used to feel were even real, or if they simply were part of a pretty illusion. Negative thoughts are scary, but please know that they aren’t definite. They might visit your mind from time to time, but they will never define who you are.
Since that October, I have realised that negative thoughts visit me when there’s something important I should look into, or reconsider. Back then, the hopelessness arose due to my, then, career. I had recently taken on a role that seemed and sounded flashy, but that simply wasn’t for me. Hence, my body and brain felt out of place – and the numbness set it. Something was wrong, and my body knew this long before I did.
I’m not saying that all bad feelings are here to teach us something – because some days you just feel like shit, and that’s completely OK. But what I’m trying to say, however, is that it is important to remember that bad feelings won’t last forever. And when you do feel bad, remember to allow yourself to rest. Cut back on all the made up musts and haves, and focus on taking care of yourself. Because the most important thing of all is to always look after number one. And who’s number one? That’s right, it’s YOU.
And for my hopelessness? I think it stayed for another week or two before it (thankfully) flew the nest. I stayed within the company for another six or so months, but decided to start my own freelance writing business when COVID hit. Today I’m writing two days a week, and working at the sweetest deli four days a week, while slowly building my business. Life changes, and so do you - so don’t let the bad chapters define who you are. Because you know what? Your life is a bloody good book, and good books always have satisfying endings.
