Could you tell me a time you felt heartbroken?

I never really understood all the emotions behind heartbreak until it happened to me this year. In April I was broken up with and it’s only now that I’ve come to accept what happened that I want to share in hope that my words may help someone else going through something similar. It will get better but be patient with yourself. The emotions will come and go. They’ll fade and come back in full force but you’ll be stronger each time. You’ll make it and you really will be better for it. 

Grieving a relationship during a Pandemic, while in the first Lockdown, was to put it lightly, awful. I couldn’t escape it. I had to take it all head on - every. single. emotion. it brought up. I had never experienced a relationship before, let alone one ending. It was all so new and unfamiliar. I couldn’t comprehend it. How is it possible that I can physically feel like I’m dying when the person you love tells you they don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore?  It hurts too much. 

I have so much empathy for that heartbroken version of myself. To have felt that much for someone. To let someone experience a side of me that I had never shared before. How fucking amazing.

But I also see all the pain, the anxiety, the depression, the dissociation, the self harm and the grief I went through. How I had to hit the bottom to realise I needed help. That asking for help was okay. It had all brought past traumas to the surface for me to really look at. To understand why I behave the way I do and the best ways to help myself. I can see that I was feeling so much more than just heartbreak and I’m so thankful for the support I had around me. Being broken up with was the trigger that forced me to truly look at myself and for that I am eternally grateful. It’s broken me open and made space for something better. 

I’ve had to let so much go, relationships that were no longer serving me, beliefs that I had and a version of myself that no longer exists. That girl who thought she’d meet the one love of her life is gone - I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore. 

Instead, I have created new beliefs and relationships and got to know a version of myself I didn’t think was possible. I’m someone that will never make myself small for someone again. I’m a person that finally knows her worth. I’m someone that is learning to break negative patterns, to forgive, be kind and accept myself for all that I am and it’s exciting. I’m excited for this person I’m becoming. 

I’m going to fall in love and have my heart broken again and again and again because that’s the way I want to live my life, with all my heart.