Could you tell me a time you felt freedom?

I oftentimes find myself wandering alone, finding strength in my autonomy and independence. Whether this is a good or bad thing, well that’s your opinion. I find myself alone despite friends and family by my side, pushing those closest to me away for fear of hurt down the line. For me, solitude comes not from the silence that my being alone brings, but rather the safety of knowing that no-one can hurt me later on should I let them in too close. 

In the summer of 2018, I lost a very close family member to suicide and it hurt far more than I’d have ever anticipated. Within 10 days of her death, I sat university exams and flew out to Singapore alone to pursue an internship at an economic think-tank. I hurt more than I could ever say but numbness was to be my only resolve.

This hurt came not necessarily from her death, nor my living alone on a different continent. I’d been pushing people away for years due to childhood trauma in days long passed. For me, moving away and making a new life is far easier than staying in one place, risking letting people in, ever bringing down my wall that has been so carefully built. I’ve seen time and time over that it’s those closest to you that you must never trust, it’s those that you give the chance that hurt you. 

When in Singapore, I travelled alone around much of South-East Asia on my weekends, and one weekend wound up in Krabi in southern Thailand. I found myself making friends with two other solo travellers, and for a day we feigned friendship and an intimacy unparalleled in so many of my real friendships. For a day, I found two other women as scared as I to let people in. I found two other women like me, that didn’t push me on questions I had little will to answer, but with them took a little piece of my heart that I sleep peacefully knowing will never be shared or hurt. We drove through the rugged streets to unknown beaches and I told them things that I’d never tell my closest of friends back home. 

Whether I will ever let people in, let my life be ruled by trust and compassion and empathy, well I doubt that immensely. But that day in rural Thailand, in the company of women whom I shall never meet again, with the promise of feigned friendship that had only pure intention and good will, I found myself feeling free. Finally, I was free.