Could you tell me a time you felt a panic attack coming on?

Clutch in, change gears, change feet and step on accelerate. One breath. Check blind spot 17 times, turn indicator on. One breath. Fail to change lanes out of fear. One breath. My hands start to shake and sweat from gripping onto the steering wheel so tight that my pinky finger starts to spasm. Changing gears becomes an uncoordinated dance resulting in everyone around me hearing the awful sounds as I accidentally rev my car in utter panic. My mouth is dry and my breathing is short and shallow. I turn the music down to help me concentrate but that only turns up the sound  of my thumping heart in my ears to a point where the ringing is unbearable. 

 What if I crash? What if I just let go of the steering wheel? What if I stop breathing and pass out while on this highway? What if someone dies in an accident I caused? How long have I not been paying attention to the road? I’ve always been a confident, responsible & competent driver, so why can’t I manage to drive this road that I’ve been down a hundred times before without feeling like the world is going to end if I make one wrong move?  

 My panic attacks have always come at the most inopportune moments. Like when I need to drive to a appointment I might be late for, going shopping for 1 item in a shopping mall, swallowing the bite of food I just took at a restaurant with friends, answering phone calls even though I can see the caller ID, collecting a package I specifically ordered, the list goes on... Out of all my panic attacks, the ones I get while driving are the scariest, and rightfully so. There is a fear that something could go wrong and have life threatening consequences. It’s a mundane task most people don’t think about twice but for me, it feels like I’m dressed in red about to go into the ring with a very angry bull. 

I’ve developed coping mechanisms & techniques to manage my panic attacks, but they do still get out of control even after countless hours of exposure therapy. I’ve learnt how to outrun the bull most days, but I know that I’ll have to go into that ring every day for the rest of my life. It is exhausting but getting to know the bulls in the ring is half the battle won.