Could you tell me a time when you felt lost?

I used to be as free as a paper boat, naive, drifting and lusting for life. If blown off course I would find a way to simply make it my new journey. Suddenly drawn back, thumped, forced and silenced by a tidal wave of grief. I am under water now, I’m foreign, it’s darker.

Before realising I needed to adapt to my new life. learn to breathe and use my body differently, try harder to move forward. There was a moment of numb serenity and if I wanted to I could disappear, ignore everything, forget everything, stop breathing.

Constantly searching for the old me. Analysing my new mind that I didn’t like, my thoughts were darker, less stimulated, angry and spent. Without realising up until now nearly 2 years later. For the most part I’ve felt lonely, blindly searching for the elements of life that used to make me happy. There they were, they’ve always been there. Open arms and infinite laughter. The faces of my happiness. My friends, family and Otis. They were the remedy.

Whether my people were underwater, ashore or half a shin dipped in their own lives of pain or happiness I quickly realised that this is life. I chose my people and they chose me, we don’t always have to explain our sorrowful mundane or analyse a way out. They stand without judgement and I will forever hold these people safe and close to my chest.

Today I have learnt the layers of my ocean and finally I can breathe under water. I spend most days happier, above the current with broken shells pieced together in my palms and pollen dust in my hair. Occasionally I will go for a dip, I’m in control. I don’t know where I’m going next but walking or swimming I will surrender.