Could you tell me a time when you felt like you had nothing left to give?

The concept of perfection is a conflict many battle and can sometimes feel like an endless path that continues beyond the horizon. This is a road I know too well and has left me, on numerous occasions, wondering if I had anything left to give. It causes a vicious cycle of toxic mental health and can leave you spiralling out of control, not knowing when to stop, whom to turn to, or where to look. The truth is, these visions of ‘perfection’ you see are all but a figment of your imagination. It took time for me to admit that definition was the truth, and here is the brief story of how I came to it.

Others have described me – and myself, for that matter – as a perfectionist for as long as I can remember and often have been complimented on its positive attributes. Whether it be an incredible attention to detail or an infectious passion for something, I felt like it should be a trait I should never lose. Through school, it proved helpful in getting higher grades, and as much as it could get in the way of being more efficient when working, I thought it set me apart from others. However, as I got older, I did notice it getting in the way of my progress more. For example, a task would not pan out how I had intended it to, and a rage would build up inside me. I became frustrated and even more aggravated when I could not explain it to others because they would never understand. 

The positives of this perfectionism seemed to disappear more the older I got, and the negatives crept in. I would stretch my ability to excessive lengths, causing spikes of anxiety and disbelief. I toyed back and forth from one extreme to another – one side told me I was nothing but capable, and the other told me what was the point in trying; I was going to fail anyways. My head became a place to overthink; somewhere, I began to dread spending too much time. I feared having those anxious thoughts more often and just wanted to block them out. My solution was to continue reaching for my goals at an immeasurable rate and not stop till I got there. 

That determination soon translated into persistence. I was fixated on the idea of perfect success and would not settle for anything beneath it. Around this time, at the end of high school, I noticed friends and family dropping hints that I should be less hard on myself and slow down a little; I didn’t have to achieve everything at once. But I couldn’t see it like that. I was blinded by fear – the idea of plummeting to the ground with nothing to show for petrified me, being nobody and being remembered for nothing. I cared more about how the world saw me and the accolades I had to my name than anything else. 

But I still haven’t reached the point in the story where I felt I had nothing left to give, and it’s actually coming up to a year since that time. I was in the middle of my final year at university – juggling my studies, a social life, and a very demanding job – all whilst trying to stay calm, collected and scoring perfection every time. I was also living alone - out of choice, which was not helping matters. I had thought it was a good move to be more independent and self-sufficient, but it was only hindering matters and encouraging my toxic mental state. I had suppressed my struggle of overworking and pressuring myself for so long that I had started to burn out. Eventually, I quit my job, hoping to give myself more time for self-care and reflection. But that one change made a significant impact in the opposite way I’d hoped; a destructive way. 

My mind had consumed me, and all I could visualise was the world spiralling around me; I told myself that if I’d done it differently, I would have been in a better position. Done what, I don’t know; all I knew was that I regretted all the decisions I had made to get me to that point. Days began to blend into one another, and the memory of the person I was before had become a distant relative. Dragging myself to the mirror was an effort; eating meals seemed pointless, but asking for help was never an option. I wanted to welcome the torment of my mind with open arms and remove myself from the agony of what I thought was failure. I had reached my tether; I felt I had no purpose; I felt like a disappointment to myself and others; I felt I had nothing left to give. 

As I said, it’s coming up a year since I was in that state of mind, and I look back at myself as a different person. I have many people to thank for pulling me out of that dark place, and I know I would’ve struggled without them. They were a light that walked in and pulled me out of the depths of my own sorrow. I am proud to say that I graduated from university with the grade I had hoped for and had one of the most enjoyable years of my life. I now have a job working in the field I am passionate about, have a fantastic support group around me, and have not felt so content in a long time. All because I took the time to breathe. I stopped demanding so much of myself, allowed myself to feel true enjoyment, and for once, not worry about what was coming next.

I appreciate that this may seem a little intense, and I could have rectified this workaholic-like problem earlier in my life. However, I didn’t and am facing it now. I used to be a little embarrassed by how badly it affected me because it was paralysing, but something I will never apologise for is how deeply I feel. I am emotional and will take things to heart because I care – I have been told before that it is a blessing in disguise, but I prefer to just call it a blessing. 

I look back at the stages of my life where I think if I had just stopped for one moment and collected myself, I could have avoided this. But everything happens for a reason, and although I am scared of encountering another one of these dark episodes of self-criticism, I feel much stronger in tackling it myself next time. 

I want to finish this extract with a note for the person I do everything for, and that is my younger self – the biggest dreamer I have ever known. 

Life can be so beautiful yet so hard at the same time. But, despite what you may think, you are strong enough to get through it all. You will sometimes think you’re not good enough, but I promise you are. You are so much more than enough. Stop looking to others to find your worth; learn to love who you are and accept that person. Your journey will continue to be difficult as you grow, but all you can do is try your best with the gifts you were given. Keep your chin up and aim for the stars; they’re not as far away as you think.