Could tell me a time you felt like quitting?
It’s been a good week. I had a good therapy session, worked through a lot of stuff. I always eat healthy, I’m active. Overall I’m feeling okay. Just a bit tired today.
I work away at a mundane computer task in my home office. Run through the same steps, click ‘publish’, wait.
I open my social media while I’m waiting and post something to pass the time.
Back to the mundane task. Run through the same steps, click ‘publish’, wait.
Back to social media. My crush posted something. Did she like my post? No. Did she view my story? No.
Sigh. I really do feel tired today. Why is that?
Back to the mundane task. Run through the same steps, click ‘publish’, wait.
Back to social media. Still no likes. Does she know I exist? Why am I out of breath?Run through the same steps, click ‘publish’, wait.
It’s not a good day anymore. Why was seeing her online a trigger for me? Or was that the trigger at all? Was I already feeling down? I was having a good week, but I feel so lonely now. I need to stop thinking about her. What else can I think about? My family. Sure. We’re going through some drama right now. I’ve been thinking about that a bit too much lately, too. Why not give it some more of my time? I feel so winded right now.
Same steps, click ‘publish’, wait.
Dedicating energy to this job just got a lot harder. I need a break. It’s almost lunch time. I should exercise.
It’s hard to walk across the apartment. My body feels almost numb. But I do it anyway. I change my clothes, turn on some music, and stand in front of the mirror. My posture is off. It’s hard to stand up straight. I’ve been getting fit lately, but right now I don’t like what I see. Do I have the energy for this?
I pick up my weights. Wow. I’m exhausted. Deep breath. Remember to breathe. I need this workout. Where the body goes, the mind follows.
My arms push out a set of overhead reps. I can do this. But wow, I feel numb. Like the energy is there to do this workout but I can’t sense it. What is wrong with me today?
Back to thinking about my crush. Should I DM her? What if she’s not into me? Will I look stupid? I wish I didn’t think about her so much. Ugh. I need to think about something else.
A set of chair dips this time. Energy is still there. Still can’t feel it, though.
Back to thinking about my family, imagining a difficult conversation, how it might play out, what if, what if, what if…
Down on the floor for a set of chest presses. I finish and just want to lay here. I know I need to do sit-ups. Maybe just a short breather.
Further down the mental rabbit hole. Crush, loneliness, family, imaginary conversations, what if, what if, what if… God I’m tired. How long have I been lying here?
Sit-ups are done and I’m lying down again. So tired. Could nap here. But no. I do have the energy. I can get through this, even though my body is telling me it’s too tired. It’s obviously not. I will not let this beat me. Get up, I tell myself. Now!
More overhead presses. More thinking. More chair dips. More thinking. More chest presses. More thinking. More sit-ups. More thinking. And so on, and so on, and so on until the workout is over.
Shower, eat, back to work. Same steps, click ‘publish’, wait.
Now I really am tired. But I earned it. And now I don’t feel so bad. In fact I’m not thinking in overdrive anymore. I feel normal again. It’s over.
I think days like this might always happen and it won’t always make sense why. But, when my mind tells me to lie down and quit, I won’t. I will still do the things I planned to do. The obsessive thoughts will come but I will push on in spite of them. One step at a time, one set at a time, one action at a time. Each time I push, I find out that yes, I do have the strength to do it. And in the end I feel better because I know I beat it again today. In fact, I haven’t lost in a really long time.
