Could you tell me a time you felt inadequate?

We all know the impact social media can have on us. It shows a filtered, perfect, glossed over version of other people’s lives. And right now it’s worse. It’s worse because social media accounts for an even larger share of our interactions with other people.

Only seeing others succeed can be difficult, even if what I’m doing is going well. Why am I not doing what this person is doing? Why can’t I do what they are doing? It sends me into a downward spiral, makes me question why I’m doing what I’m doing and why I’m not doing it better than I am.

Why do I even compare myself to others, you may ask. The answer is that I don’t know. The feeling of inadequacy just overwhelms me. No matter how well my things are going, I will eventually find someone who is doing seemingly better than I am. But that also means that I can never escape the spiral. My mind will always find some way to make me think that I am doing less well than others. I cannot win.

The funny thing is that I am well aware that this makes no sense whatsoever. This feeling isn’t rational, which means that I cannot “argue” with it in a rational way. I could simply not expose myself to what other people are doing. Slightly impractical. Besides, I want to be happy for my friends and their achievements!

So what is there to do? I think that there is no cure-all solution but there certainly are strategies that help. For me, two in particular have been useful. It starts by accepting that a lot is out of our control, in particular the outcomes of our efforts. It ends by realising that comparing yourself to others is neither helpful nor justified.

For me, feeling inadequate means thinking that my achievements are inferior to those of others. But does it even make sense to compare yourself on outcomes? A famous golfer was once asked about the role of luck in sport. His answer was - “The more I practice the luckier I get”. For a long time, I understood this quote in the wrong way. What if I’m not lucky? What if I do not succeed? Surely this must mean that I have not practiced enough, that I haven’t worked hard enough. But that is a fundamental misunderstanding. What we can directly affect is practice, not the outcome. Practice is a necessary rather than a sufficient condition. What we must learn is to spend time thinking about practice rather than worrying about the outcome. Because no matter how hard we practice, an element of luck will always be left in determining results.

Once you realise that outcomes are to a certain extent out of our control, you also realise that comparing yourself based on outcomes does not make sense. Besides, it is also unfair on yourself and others. I cannot affect what others are doing and to a large part I also cannot affect how “successful” I am. What I can do is make sure that I enjoy what I do. To make sure I put in as much as I can. It may be that for whatever reason that doesn’t mean I’ll succeed at what I’m doing. That the outcome is not the best. That someone else is doing better in a certain way. But that does not mean that what I am doing is inadequate. It does not mean that I am inadequate.