Could you tell me a time where you experienced setbacks?

Anyone that knows me knows that my anxiety is something I have struggled with for years. Having spent the final years of high school dealing with frequent panic attacks and the embarrassment that I thought came alongside struggling mentally, I spent my Wednesday mornings in therapy and spent every night writing down my thoughts and practicing my coping mechanisms.

By the time I left school I was equipped with the skills to deal with a panic attack on my own and had gotten a real handle on my mental health. I moved to university that September and managed to get through my first year without any real spikes in my anxiety. I think partly because I was determined not to carry this into the next stage of my life, and also because I simply didn’t have the time in the chaotic bubble of first year.

Whilst I maintained a stable relationship with my anxiety throughout the pandemic, (something I am incredibly grateful for) when I moved back to university and began online classes I noticed a shift in my mental health. I shortly slipped into my old tendencies and in an attempt to gain control of something, I turned to running. I would leave the flat and run distances up to half marathons in an attempt to feel stability from the buzz in my anxious brain however, unsurprisingly, running such distances every few days was not sustainable, and after a Covid-19 isolation period, I didn’t go back to it. Still to this day I haven’t run anywhere near those distances – not because I couldn’t train and get back to it, but because I’m scared to become so reliant on something again.

With my coping mechanism no longer being used I fell into a routine of constant anxiety. I’d wake up with a racing heart and I’d go to sleep in floods of tears, unable to get a grasp of my mental health. Exploring the option of medication is something that many people had brought up to me over the years and instantly they were met with rejection because I couldn’t imagine myself ‘surrendering’ and admitting I wasn’t capable to deal with my mental health myself. However, in the summer after second year I decided completely on my own that my life was worth more than what was happening to me daily, and I had a conversation with my GP. Having began a course of anti-depressants I was beyond scared to tell those closest to me for fear of judgement yet, as always, I was met with supportive responses.

Over the course of the next year and a half I continued to take my medication – frequently upping the dosage (with GP approval) when needed, and I can honestly say that it has changed my life, to the point where I cannot imagine how I would have gotten through third year without it. I think personally, the stigma around anti-depressants was as much self-inflicted as it was influenced by society, and I urge anyone thinking about medication as a form of help to speak to their GP and remain open-minded about the idea.

When I speak of setbacks I mean mentally. I can name key periods of my life where I feel I went backwards in my progress. One of which being in second year prior to starting medication, and the second being recently in fourth year. Having spent the majority of first semester noticing an increase in my anxiety and feeling as if nothing was helping, I began to go home regularly. Whilst I wasn’t experiencing typical anxiety symptoms such as a racing heart or panic attacks because of my medication, my skin began flaring up around my face, and whilst it was clearly a symptom of my anxiety, it made me more nervous and stressed and consequently, I spent more weekends at home.

I moved home for Christmas in the first week of December and I spent the majority of the month either in the house, with my parents or with my best friend. I didn’t leave the house by myself until the first week of January, and even the idea of seeing people such as my Grandparents sent me spiralling at one point.

Throughout this time I was still taking my medication daily but wasn’t able to help myself in any other way. However, with the encouragement of my parents at the start of January I began slowly implementing exercise back into my life alongside other coping mechanisms which are typically staples for me, and I have (very slowly) begun feeling more capable to handle my mental health once more.

Whilst I may view some periods as setbacks, they also come with large lessons to be learned. This time I have began to find my love for exercise once more and can appreciate the positive effects it does have on my mental health – when done so in a sensible way. Whereas, in second year when I experienced a setback, I learned not to be afraid of medication, and of the benefits it can have when you’re struggling. Slowly, I’m coming to realise that for some people, mental health struggles will come and go over time and that’s ok, it doesn’t go away entirely.

I think it’s important to remember if you’re struggling at all mentally, it does get easier (even if it gets harder again!), there’s always someone going through it too and most importantly, there is someone that is able and wants to listen to you – even if you think this isn’t the case.