Could you tell me a time you felt gratitude?

It is fair (and fairly obvious!) to say that 2020 has been quite a challenging year for most. There have been some major environmental disasters, including wild fires in Australia and the West Coast of the USA, we lost many leading lights, such as Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Kobe Bryant, Chadwick Boseman, and Eddie Van Halen, there was a disastrous explosion in Beirut, and there was the killing of George Floyd, which ignited the Black Lives Matter movement. All of this, and much more happened this year and this is before we even consider the Covid-19 pandemic. 

On a personal note, my January started off optimistically. The previous month my team had won the Scottish Women’s Rugby Premiership title for the first time in the club’s history, scoring maximum points on an unbeaten run, I was feeling like I was on the mend after managing eight months with Post-Viral Fatigue Syndrome and I felt rested for the first time after a Christmas break and was ready to return to work. What lay around the corner would take me to new lows and challenge me physically, mentally and emotionally. 

I had struggled with anxiety for the first time the previous year, due, I believe, to not being able to do what I normally would – juggling lots of tasks, training, teaching, coaching e.g. – because of the Chronic Fatigue, and on my return to work I could feel the anxiety lifting a little, which was very welcome. We had two days of in-service training at school prior to the pupils returning, and while I felt exhausted at the end of each day I felt I managed them rather well… until the night before the first day of term when I came down with a very heavy cold. It kept me up all night and drained me of all energy (again) meaning I was unable to return to work. I spoke with the doctor and was signed off for two weeks – she had suggested three but this brought back my anxiety so she cut it. We talked about my illness and the major challenges that I had experienced over the past few years, and she was the first doctor I had seen that acknowledged my depression and mental health issues. She asked if I would be willing to try medication and I told her that I would try anything. 

To cut a potentially long story short, I didn’t return to school that first term and was signed off every few weeks – I could have saved myself more anxiety by just letting her sign me off for a long time rather than letting my pride and guilt get in the way. I was aware at the time this would have been best but I was conscious that it might look like I was lazy or faking, and I wanted to show everyone that I really wanted to be back, even though I knew in my heart it wasn’t right for me. 

My personal lockdown started on Wednesday the 8th of January. I had fully relapsed and my energy was incredibly low as was my spirit. I knew I was out of alignment and although there was little advice the doctors could give other than to rest, I couldn’t accept this and decided that I was going to overcome this ailment no matter how uncomfortable it would be for me in the short term. 

I had a gut feeling my diet was part of the issue so I took a food intolerance test and discovered that I had lots of changes to make. I have always eaten quite healthily but now had to put extra thought into what I put in my body because major players in my diet such as eggs, dairy, wheat, chicken, maize, and many more were no longer in the game. I went cold turkey (I could still eat turkey!) and cut everything out and in a short space of time, going full wheat-free vegan, and felt a positive difference in my ability to think and concentrate as much of the ‘fuzziness’ had lifted from my head. I gradually introduced a few foods to test them over the course of the year and this has been a good tactic for me, although I still have to avoid most of the previous list. 

I had engaged with counselling in 2018 and continued with this as well as employing other techniques such as the Wim Hof Breathing method, cold water immersion (I take a cold bath every day), meditation, cognitive behavioural therapy, taking CBD oil, and generally trying to chill out a bit more (no pun regarding the baths intended) as well as being nicer to myself. 

We often build up a picture of what we think things should look like and how things shouldbe, I certainly do/did, and this, with the appropriate amount of fairness and realism, is something I would often encourage in terms of manifesting and realising a vision (like with my team winning the league – there was a lot of work and effort that went into realising that picture and it was achieved). As with most things, there is a dark side to this and that is when we become fixated on that picture and blinkered. In our heads we will be happy once we see that picture, we will have won when we see that picture, we can rest when we see that picture. This is an extreme mind-set and it is an exhausting rollercoaster ride that really doesn’t serve us well. 

Of all the techniques I used to rid myself of the chronic fatigue, and anxiety – both I believe were merely messengers informing me I was out of alignment and nudging me onto the right track – the one I always comes back to is gratitude. 

Instead of focusing on how things should be, I focus on how things are and all the beauty that lies there. My attitude has always been a positive one and I would rather focus on solutions than problems, bridges rather than walls, and when I think deeply (meditate) about how things are for me in this country, in this city, in my home, at this time, within my family, I find it very difficult to feel negatively about anything.  

Anything can be spun, and ultimately it comes down to the individuals choice of thought, which requires consciousness and ownership, how something is perceived. If we take the statistic that one in ten youths carry a knife in London (I’m not sure if this is still correct so please don’t quote me on this) this could be looked at in two ways: 

1. That’s terrible, there should be no youths carrying knives in London

2. That means that nine out of ten are not!

The first response, while correct, is not necessarily a realistic picture and if we focus on that aspect of it alone that’s where all the energy and attention goes. As a schoolteacher, and especially in my former role as a Housemaster, I always endeavoured to promote to my pupils what they were getting right and promoted this regularly. By putting the focus and energy on the positives they became more encouraged, acknowledged and empowered to do well because this was what was drawing the attention. “Consistently good is outstanding” is one of my favourite sayings and I did my best to drill this into my young people, of whom often too much is unrealistically expected from the older generations. 

I have noticed myself relaxing more over the course of this year. This is due to my mind-set shift from what should be to what is. From focusing on how I want to feel each day rather than aiming for the perfect picture; knowing what power I have to realising this and then taking joy from making it happen consistently. I have accepted the situations I have found myself in and not allowed them to impact my own happiness. This is down to practising gratitude honestly and consistently. I am also grateful for the shift I made of not worrying about what other people thought. This is something that can hold us all back and I decided that I would never put the keys to my own happiness in someone else’s hand. I am grateful that I have made this decision, I am grateful I pursue my passions each day, I am grateful for all the time I have had with my family and friends, I am grateful for so much, and ironically the more grateful I feel the more I receive; it really is an upward spiral!  

This should come as no surprise though because GRATITUDE is the ultimate state of receivership. If you are grateful for what you have and for what you will have your body doesn’t know the difference between past, present and future, so use this to your advantage and start creating the life you want!