Could you tell me a time you felt helpless?

When I started university I was an outgoing 18-year-old, fit, young and healthy. However, a couple of months into my freshers year I started to have spells of feeling unwell. I’d go dizzy, sick, and sometimes collapse. I began to lose weight and came down with every infection under the sun. 

By Christmas I was bedbound, and none of the doctors could figure out why. The cause didn’t come up in blood tests, and eventually, I was dismissed by several doctors for ‘imagining’ my symptoms. I felt helpless. I was unable to carry out the fundamental tasks that I had taken for granted only a few months before. I couldn’t keep down solid foods, shower alone, or lift my arms above my head to brush my hair. 

As I lay in bed for most of the day my mental health plummeted. I became obsessive, anxious, and paranoid, dreaming up worst-case scenarios in my head. My parents continued to take me to doctor after doctor to try and get to the bottom of my mysterious illness. Eventually, I was diagnosed with Myalgic encephalomyelitis (M.E.), also known as chronic fatigue syndrome (C.F.S). The physical symptoms can vary between individuals, but it can be as debilitating for some people as multiple sclerosis or congestive heart failure. Although I finally had an answer, I was told there was no ‘cure’ for M.E., this didn’t help my recovery, physically or mentally. 

My parents begged me to drop out of university, but my stubbornness won through. I continued to dictate essays and exams from bed. My mental health got worse, I couldn’t leave the house or see friends. 

I began to seek help regularly. Eventually, a year later, through multiple physical and mental treatments, I was able to return to ‘normal life’. This was a greater mental battle than a physical battle. 

I still struggle with anxiety from time to time, and I’ll always have a form of ME, but I live my life fully now. I aim to make every day count because I know how it feels to have had everything taken away. I managed to stick with my degree and finished top of my class in my Third Year, graduating with a First in the Fourth Year. I have never been prouder of what I’ve achieved and am so grateful to this illness for what it has taught me about how important life is.

Could you tell me a time you felt growth?

I didn’t realise how much I have grown until I look back on the last few years. I was in a toxic and unhealthy relationship a few years ago while suffering with pretty bad acne. I was isolated from friends, family and everyday life because of both of these things. Looking back, it was probably one of the lowest if not lowest points in my life.

I finally got out of that relationship and after being on medication, my skin had started to clear. I then moved to Australia by myself which is one of the best things I have ever ever done and as cliché as it sounds, I started to find myself again. It allowed me to take myself completely out of an environment that had been bringing me down for so long, meet loads of amazing people and experience so many new things. I spent a year in Australia and I think I changed my flight about 3 times as I didn’t want to come home. I was so on the fence about staying in Aus or coming home to finish University. I decided that finishing University should be my priority so I came home, when it was still lockdown in the UK and I remembering feeling really lost about what I was going to do next.

Lockdown ended and I then started working at a fitness studio, where I still work today and fell completely back in love with my fitness again. I got a personal trainer and began taking my fitness much more serious. I think the effects of moving to a different country by myself and really putting myself out there, where I could just be completely myself, started to show as I felt like a new person compared to the girl who left the UK the year before. I was so so much happier and confident. Then last summer I started training to become a personal trainer myself and at the end of last year started coaching the classes at my work. Fast forward to today and I am now just about to open my own little gym and start my own personal training and online coaching business. When I reflect on the last few years there has been some pretty tough times but I am grateful for all I have went through as it has got me to where I am today and the person I have become. Sometimes change can feel so hard but it is so needed for growth.

Could you tell me a time you felt anxious?

I haven’t been able to decide if I wanted to talk about feeling anxious or overwhelmed but one is the byproduct of the other and vice versa.

If someone asked me to pinpoint the time for where I began to feel anxious, I could tell you. In May 2019, at the end of my semester abroad in America, trying to sort out what my final weeks there were looking like, my friends and I were figuring out what I had to do before I left Missouri. I started to feel this horrible tightness in my chest, I had my first panic attack that night. It lasted for hours, and the panic came in waves. For weeks I had no idea what had triggered it, I thought it was maybe a one-off thing and everything would be fine and buried the emotions I was feeling. 

I was so nervous about coming home, I slowly started to realise that while I was at frat parties living the American dream, my friends’ lives hadn’t paused while I wasn’t in it. This totally freaked me out, I was worried that things would have moved on and there wasn’t a place for me anymore. Obviously, I was wrong but I couldn’t stop obsessing and overthinking it. The snowball started there and only grew bigger until I couldn’t cope with it anymore. I was living in a flat with my two best friends, and I found myself becoming more paranoid and anxious as time went on. I was definitely difficult to live with, we would get heated over the simplest things, although we often look back and laugh now, the signs were there that something was going on beneath the surface. 

I tried to put on a front most of the time, as most people do. The reality was that most days it was a chore to get out of bed and I hadn’t even realised how long I spent feeling like that, and months were rolling by. I was in such a bubble and was oblivious to how bad I HAD gotten. It wasn’t until my mum sat me down one night. She said I had lost my usual sparkle, I wasn’t pleasant to be around, and that she didn’t know how to help me if I kept pushing away the people that were trying to help me. That made me more anxious, I hated the idea of burdening the people around me, it was such a vicious cycle. The more caught up in it the more anxious worried I would get. 

It also became clear that I hadn’t dealt with my parents splitting up and the trauma that came along with it. The situation was messy, I watched my mum go from a size 18 to a size 8 in a matter of months because she couldn’t bring herself to eat. My dad was there and then he wasn’t, I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him. There was a lot of back of forth between them trying to sort things out and heated arguments. So much went on over a prolonged period that I began to block it out, I had to be there for everyone else, while also studying for my exams. It unquestionably affected me more than I cared to admit, even now. Things turned even rockier when I eventually got over the hate I had for my dad, I would lie to my mum about seeing him or getting in touch with him. I didn’t want to upset her; she just, unfortunately, couldn’t get over what he’d done. 

My relationship with my mum was turbulent, to say the least, I would find myself fighting to keep her sweet but also trying to maintain a relationship with my dad at the same time. I would grovel and scream at her trying to make her understand that their breakup had absolutely nothing to do with me. No matter how hard I tried she couldn’t see why I wanted a relationship with the person responsible for the demise of my family. I hated them both for keeping me in the middle. It’s become clear that’s when I really started to feel anxious and worried. 

Learning to cope with anxiety and feeling worried has been a real struggle. I’ve been on and off various medications, I’ve gone months without feeling anxious at all, and I’ve had weeks where I can’t get out of my own head. But with time, it certainly has got easier. Nearly three years on, I find myself feeling less anxious every day. Three years down the line, I’m now taking the steps towards therapy, having tried everything else, I feel that this could be the final step needed to fully understand why I have the anxious feelings that I do. That being said, I have such a good support group of friends around me who have helped when I needed them most, so I have to throw a special thanks to them in here. 

I’ve always been the one to say “It’s okay! I’m fine” but one thing I don’t regret is reaching out and getting help. Although I felt like I was admitting defeat, it was by far the best decision I’ve ever made, and if that pushes you to do the same, then I am wishing you all the best. You are stronger than you know.

Could you tell me a time you felt grief?

Grief does not just exist in one moment. At times it feels heavy and all consuming. It lingers and lifts for moments of joy. It is not 5 stages and then you’re done. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. We speak of grief as a linear process, but in reality, it is messy. These stages can come at any time in any order, or not at all. You can feel everything at once, or nothing at all.

We all know grief is a result of losing someone. But loss comes in many different forms. Yes, it may be a death, but it may also be a breakup, a separation, loss of a job, moving, loss of dreams, goals, a future that you saw for yourself. For me, I feel as though I lost everything I was certain of. A relationship, a pet, a home, a family, a dream, and a vision of my life. And just as I thought I had faced the hardest 12 months of my life, when it felt like the world couldn’t possibly come crashing down anymore, I lost my Nan in the midst of the pandemic. I couldn’t jump on a flight home and be there to spend those last moments with her. I was powerless. Grief in every form engulfed me. I felt like I was drowning in it. And it quickly became too much. It almost didn’t feel real. How can this be happening? I felt empty or I felt pain. Happiness was fleeting, it was more like distraction. And when I went back to reality I felt completely alone. All I could think about was being back home with my family. I felt displaced. I didn’t belong in this version of my life anymore. I needed to try and rebuild that feeling of home, so I moved from Canada where I had spent 8 years building a life, back to Australia.

Here I stand 2 years later, and some days the loss is still overwhelming. Periods of depression have come and gone in that time. As have periods of acceptance, loneliness, anxiety, anger, and disbelief. I didn’t sleep well for over a year. Constantly tossing and turning, unwillingly reliving every moment to figure it all out. Wishing I had been around to spend more time with my Nan. Feeling overwhelming anxiety, guilt, and heartache. Day to day it’s hard to drown it all out. And after all the pain it felt almost impossible to start all over again.

The biggest misconception about grief and trauma is that time will heal the pain. It’s not even the slightest bit true. You can push those emotions deep down and they will eat away at you in the moments that you’re not distracted or in control. What heals is feeling it. Working through it. Coming to terms with it and learning how to move on as the new version of yourself. Loss breaks you, and when you get to the other side you aren’t the same person anymore. You are stronger, more self aware, more sure of yourself and what you want in your life. And especially what you don’t want. Back before all this happened, I was having regular panic attacks. I felt stuck in a loop. And I’m proud to say that this new version of me has not had one panic attack since I reached what felt like my lowest point. Yes, the strength is there, but it’s not all sunshine on this side of it all. Maybe the grass is greener because there’s more rain, more gloom that turns into growth. It’s about putting in the hard work and seeing yourself more clearly. It’s learning to accept the loss and not let it distort the future. Not being afraid to try again. To lose someone again. To be let down again. To say goodbye again, or to never have that chance.

Could you tell me a time you felt proud?

Right now :) This time last year I was battling the worst mental health I have ever experienced. I was struggling to even get out of bed during a time I was supposed to be on my A game. I was trying and failing to write a dissertation and get my degree. It was my last year of uni, this was it, this was the last push and I had nothing left in me to give. I also lost any ounce of motivation or drive to exercise - the one thing that keeps me sane most of the time and something that held a special place in my life for as long as I can remember. At the same time I was giving my all to a relationship that gave me nothing back. I lost who I was as a person through all of this. I lost sense of what I stood for and I felt like I couldn’t even recognise myself. During that time I also made a lot of mistakes and wasn’t a great person at times to those I cared about the most.

Only in September last year did I decide I had had enough of feeling this way and things had to change. I can’t quite pin point why it happened but I decided it was time to heal. I went through a lot of growth during that time. I put a lot of effort into working through my emotions and how to begin letting go of the things that continued to affect me. This was never a linear progress, some times I thought I’d cracked it and other days I felt lost and overwhelmed all over again. Eventually I became in love with the process. For the first time since I was a teenager I felt happy and comfortable by myself, not seeking attention or affection from others to fill any voids - I can’t describe how it felt when I realised this was the first time I had felt this way in my adult life, it was so empowering - sad that I’d been trying to fill a void for so long but grateful that I realised that now when I’m still so young and have so much to learn. For the first time I was truly taking care of myself, not for a short-term fix to feel happy for a month or so and then just feel the same again, but I really wanted to do this for myself, to really heal and better my life. It sounds so cliche and almost like empty words when I say I was ‘working on myself’ but thats exactly what I did and I did it with my chest. It wasn’t half-hearted, I wanted better for myself and I deserved better.

I looked at it as helping a friend - I’d do that in a heart beat and do the best job that I can. Why not do that for yourself? You’re in your body and brain your whole life (sounds obvious), so why not treat yourself like your best friend and take care of that person, help that person, try to make them happy? That’s who/what gets you through each waking moment, every sad moment, every happy moment, every tough moment.. give back to yourself for taking on each day no matter how easy or hard. Thinking like this helped me a lot, I really took care of my mind and my body. I gained so much closure and inner peace through the time and effort I dedicated to myself. I gained that drive for fitness again - my PT deserves a huge chunk of credit for that but at the end of the day its me who decided to continue investing in that service - I see it as an investment to myself, what better way to spend money than on improving your physical AND mental health.

Now this is going to seem like a tangent but bare with.. I consider myself quite a selfless person most of the time. Others would call it a push over but I don’t see it as a weak or negative thing. I don’t put myself first a lot of the time. In the past 6 months I’ve found myself in very difficult and serious positions where I’ve had to choose between protecting other peoples feelings or protecting my own. If you’d ask the old Jess what she’d do, she’d most often choose others at the cost of her own happiness. I look at myself now and how I handle decisions and I am in awe of the growth. It’s still difficult for me to choose myself. Especially when it can be at the cost of someone else’s feelings - it’s a very mentally challenging thing to question whether putting yourself first is selfish or whether you’re a bad person for doing so. But I’m getting better at putting myself first - a lot of the time I do it for that girl a year ago that couldn’t do anything for herself. I feel like a completely different person, almost detached from that girl a year ago.

Right now, as I’m writing this post, I can say with full honesty that I am the happiest and healthiest I have felt within myself. All that hard work of healing and challenging my emotions, learning to take care of myself with INTENTION, has made me a person I am wholeheartedly proud to be. I never thought I’d see the day where I felt I wasn’t struggling with my mental health, it seemed before like I just accepted my poor mental health was with me for life. Luckily, that wasn’t the case for me. I wish I could tell January 2021 Jess that she’d get there eventually, because she needed it. But we got there bestie and we are better than ever, truly. To say this out loud is INSANE, it still feels literally UNbelievable. I didn’t think it was possible for me to view life in this way or to view myself in this way. But I’m a hard-working bad B and when I really want something I go get it. I’ve never felt so much meaning to feeling proud of myself until now. To me: JESS GIRL IM SO PROUD OF YOU AND I LOVE YOU.

Could you tell me a time you felt acceptance?

In high school it’s safe to say I didn’t have a great experience. I was struggling with a lot of personal things not to mention the usual things ever teenage girl feels, body issues, high school drama and studying for exams. On top of all this there was always the feeling that I wasn’t aloud to be myself. I always thought my music taste was weird, I didn’t want to dress like all the other girls, I cared a lot about the environment and the arts and my studies which everyone just seems to find uncool and boring. I used to worry every waking moment what people were thinking about me or saying behind my back, it probably didn’t help that I had a tricky dynamic with my friendship group. So, when around the age of fourteen questions about my sexuality started to pop into my head, I seriously struggled to come to terms with any of the new feelings and thoughts I was experiencing. No one would accept me. No one would be my friend anymore. I’d be even more alone than I already was. These were just some of the fears that were racing through my head anytime one of the feelings would rear their head. So the only option to me at the time was to repress all those feelings and thoughts. Ignore them as long as I could cause they would eventually go away. For a while this worked, I was too busy dealing with all the other pain I had that I didn’t even notice it bubbling under the surface. So when I eventually made the decision to leave high school after experiencing a life changing break down in the girl bathrooms, the relief was unbelievable. I then made another brilliant decision and went on to study musical theatre at the age of sixteen. To begin with I was extremely nervous and my nerves came across quite hostile. I didn’t know what to expect, who would be there? What would they think of me? I was pretty terrified, I couldn’t go through another two years of feeling like a complete outside. But after a few weeks at the campus with my new class mates I couldn’t help but feel utterly ecstatic that I could be who I was! I could love what I was doing, work hard, listen to my music, all the little quirky and nerdy things that made me who I was were completely ok. It wasn’t perfect nothing is! But this was completely different to what I knew and to the behaviours I had learnt in high school. Having so much acceptance around me for these little things aloud me to come to terms with my sexuality and really begin thinking about who I was and the people I had met really helped me. They were all different in personality and there were plenty members of the LGBTQI+ community and allies too. Sexuality was openly talked about but it wasn’t always a serious conversation sometimes it was just discussing dates and exes but I had never been around that before. This gave me a positive association for the group rather than the isolation and bigotry views I’d known from the past. Because of their acceptance I came to the conclusion after years of debate and thought that I was a happy Pansexual women. Because of their friendship I felt strong enough to tell them all and because of their support I proudly came out to other members of my friends and family. Acceptance is one of the most basic things a person can give to someone else and I’m so happy that those I love accept me and more importantly that I now accept myself.

Could you tell me a time you felt overwhelmed?

TRIGGER WARNING - Reference To Suicide

I had left my husband. I didn’t want it to be a permanent separation, that wasn’t my plan, but I didn’t really have a plan. I met my (ex) husband in 2006 and I knew instantly he was the man I was going to marry. I was a single mother of 2 girls and he engulfed us all with love and hope. Eventually we moved 250 miles away to be closer to his family. It was the great start that I felt my daughters and I needed, deserved. 

Being away from my family and friends, and surrounded by my new “family” was hard. His family, albeit lovely, were the complete opposite of mine, they were wealthy, they were super close and they constantly talked about money, every conversation was like a business meeting. My parents separated when I was a teenager and my siblings and I were raised by my mother, who worked several jobs just to feed and cloth us. 

It wasn’t long after our move that I started to feel invisible. Decisions about almost everything we did, from where we lived, our finances, to where we would go on holiday were all decided within the family. I really wanted to save and buy our own home but the family had lots of properties so it was decided that we would live in one of those. I never got to experience the thrill of finding my perfect home. 

I didn’t want to have anymore children. I had just got my degree and was now working as a paramedic. I was so proud of myself and this gave me the opportunity to make new friends, I started to feel I had a purpose other than being mum and wife. But soon after we married the family started asking when we would have children of our own. I was 36 at this point, the risks of having a child over 35 worried me but I agreed to try for a year. Ten months in, we fell pregnant with twins.

We were so happy, and we fell so in love with our boys from the minute we found out they were growing inside of me. However, my life changed an overwhelming amount after their birth. 

I had to reduce my hours at work, I had to go without sleep following night shifts so my husband could continue to work and train (he was a triathlete). I had to run a holiday let that my husband bought when we first moved here, including clean it and deal with guest all whilst juggling work, my daughters and toddler twins. I was exhausted and if I’m honest I started resenting my husband. 

When I expressed my thoughts, no one listened. I felt alone, exhausted and depressed. My mood spiralled and I had to remove myself. I left.

Walking away from the man I loved was not what I wanted. I was completely devastated but I was so upset and exhausted that I needed to do something. I was on the verge if a breakdown.

Our marriage did not survive this separation and I was now on my own with nothing but my 4 children. I had no family and only one friend stood by me. I had no money and soon got into debt trying to afford rent and bills by myself. My mental health dwindled and I cried constantly. I felt that I’d lost everything and that there was no way out of this pain. I had failed at marriage and I had failed my children. I was scared to tell my family I had left because I thought they would be so disappointed in me.

For about 3 years I struggled mentally, I felt lost and my emotions were all over the place. One day I reached for the file that keeps all my paperwork in to work out how much life insurance I had for my children. It wasn’t much,  so I got on the phone and took 2 more policies out, I couldn’t really afford to but I needed to. Whilst on the phone the lady said she needed to read out a disclaimer. I didn’t pay too much attention until about half way through when she said, you can not commit suicide for 12 months following taking out this policy. I just cried, I didn’t know that ending my life was my plan, but when she said those words I realised that it was. I just thought, how could I go on like this for another year? 

I needed help. My daughter saw me crying and she rang my sister who rang my best friend and together they listened while I talked. Eventually I made some small changes to my life. I increased my hours at work so I earned more money and I moved to a cheaper property in a nicer area. I accepted that this was now my life and I need to make the most of it, not just for me, but for my children. 

Almost 1 year on from that phone call and I’m ok. I’m actually happy. I am glad I made that call and glad I made small changes because they made a big difference. I still live with guilt of my children not having a happy conventional home life. But they are happy. 

When I feel overwhelmed now, I look at how far I’ve come. I’ve found peace in knowing that this is it for me. My children are happy and healthy, my career is rewarding and I still love it. I’m organised with my finances and independent with the rest of my life. I have no sad days, not like before and I’m happy… finally.

Could you tell me a time you felt self acceptance?

I’ve always been my own worst critic, I suppose everyone’s like that. It doesn’t help that my desired career requires scrutinising every part of yourself in the mirror every day. Its incredibly easy to become obsessed with picking out everything that needs to be changed in order to become this ‘perfect person’ and its all well and good being told there’s no such thing but actually believing that seems like an impossible task. “I’ll be happy when I have clear skin” “If I dress like her my picture will get more likes” “I need to be skinny to get work but boys don’t like girls that are too skinny”. All thoughts that pass through my head more often than I’d like to admit. I’ve always thought the answer to these problems would be to find someone who loves every part of me more than I do. If someone sees me as perfect then I must be, right? But what happens when that person’s not there to wipe away those insecurities? Why should I depend on someone else to reassure me that I’m worthy of life?

I started off this year determined to take any steps I could to make me love myself more but I realised all these steps involved changing my appearance, making me more appealing for the male gaze. More desirable. As much as looking more stereotypically “attractive” could spark self confidence, having the mindset that you need to look a certain way in order to be happy will do far more damage than good. At the end of the day if you can’t see why anyone would want you then no one will. You attract the energy that you put out. The only thing that needs to change is your mindset. It’s not as easy as flicking a switch, you can’t just turn off negative thinking. As hard as you might try, you can’t. But take the time to understand why you don’t like certain things about yourself. Is it because of things people have said in the past? What superior knowledge do they have? How perfectly unproblematic are they that they can pass judgement on something that you can’t change? I guarantee they’re not.

I was going to write about a negative experience in my life and the pain and anxiety it caused me but I think this current journey of self acceptance is far more valuable. I’m done waiting for validation from others. I deserve to feel love from myself. Now it’s time to get to know myself and hopefully understand that the parts of me I feel I need to change are simply what make me, me. Who want’s to look the same anyway? It’s not going to be easy but it’s time to accept that this is me for life so I might as well be happy with that.

Could you tell me a time you felt?

Honestly there’s not a day that goes by that I do not feel unwonted lost or in the physical plane so to speak it’s hard to express some of the feelings that are there that want to jump out the mouth but there’s also a lot of ways to express that by looking into someone’s eyes and reading the emotion that you can see..

Myself personally

Pretty much all started back when I was a early teen I had some very close turn around and say “ your going to mount to nothing” still tears me apart everyday but I’ve learnt to also using that a source of fuel to prove that I will be a someone and something, but just like most people that fight the battle of the inner demons on that daily basis t ever really herd until it’s too late. which is sad my most common one is the fact that I don’t wanna be here any more but I still wake up everyday with the “ no jog on little voice in my head” I’m going to stay and fight this!

Could you tell me a time you felt hopeful?

I remember sitting in the shade of the trees in the beautiful rolling hills above Barcelona in May 2016, making notes in a journal.

I was spending a week at the Universitas Telefónica (my then employer's University. Yeah, I know.) learning about myself and my mind. I would historically have rejected the prospect of a week internalising my thoughts and "understanding myself" as a total waste of time. I'm a doer. An extrovert. I'm positive and outgoing. Forthright and confident. Job done. What's next? But this came at a really opportune time for me. After what can only really be described as a full on depressive anxious breakdown in the middle of 2014. 

A combination of work and family stresses had progressively taken me to a place where my brain stopped working. I was managing no more than two hours sleep a night for several months and if you live with that for long enough you just stop functioning. On pretty much any level really. And I couldn't see how I got there let alone how I would get out again. 

I was trapped in an awful constricting spiral. And then I reached my rock bottom. Sat in a meeting at work and I realised the people in it with me were just staring at me - unable to fathom how a successful leader in their business could barely remember what day it was or why we were meeting. Thankfully, one of them was my boss and she saw the signs and got me out of there. Fast. 

Having pulled the ripcord and taken extended time off work, I'd then spent 18 months getting to know my mind a lot more clearly. Through a brief process of enforced rest, some pretty mild head drugs and then CBT therapy and then slow rehabilitation I was more attuned to the need to understand why I felt like I did. What caused it and hopefully how to deal with it then and now. 

Sat in the shade in Barcelona was toward the end of that process. A time I felt hopeful, having felt devoid of hope just two years earlier.

In the journal, I am writing a letter to my middle son about how I want to be a better father to him. To acknowledge and empathise with him about how differently he approaches the world to how I do. We all have very different personalities. In my bumbling extroversion, I sometimes struggle to acknowledge this. My mind is still a work in progress, but it's work I take on happily - hopeful of the future. 

Could you tell me a time you felt lost?

I will never forget that year that I struggled so much in silence. There was a time where I was doing just fine and all of the sudden everything changed for me so quickly. A big wave of sadness would always come to me at all times, I hated it. People started questioning me because of the way I started acting. I didn’t even know how to answer when they asked what was wrong with me, all I knew was that I wasn’t okay. Most of the time I would isolate myself and this caused me to lose many people in my life. Everyone would come and tell me to be more positive and questioning why I was so upset all the time if I had everything I ever needed. It’s rare for me to open up, and when I did, I felt like they didn’t care or understood me at all. Everyone kept saying how I didn’t want to spend time when them and that I didn’t enjoy being with them, in reality I had my own things going on. No one should ever apologize because of how they feel.

I wanted to get better and yet had no clue how to get out of that hole when I felt alone and misunderstood. I could’ve been in the most biggest friend group, but I felt so small and lonely. At this time all I really wanted was someone to notice me and help me because I didn’t know how to help myself. All these feelings were new to me , the worst I ever felt. I tried distracting myself so I would get out of that hole for some time , but once I would go back into the room, it would come back. I got to a point where I just didn’t care about anything. There was this teacher that saw through me and helped me so much, I never told her in person how thankful I was. Years later I contacted her and thanked her because she truly saved me. She gave me a hug when I most needed it, that’s all it took, for someone to listen to me. I started looking at people’s stories that I could relate to and seeing how they worked on themselves.

They would tell their story and I would listen. I started looking for things that I enjoyed and made me happy. I started looking for things that made me feel healthier and better. When I started doing things for myself, I became more positive and I started wanting to spread more positivity because I never wanted anyone to feel like how I felt, so alone. Now I’m really proud of myself because I got myself out of that darkness. I am always trying to improve myself and do new things. Every time that I start feeling down, I remind myself that I got myself out of that hole and that I can overcome anything because I am strong. I want everyone to know that someone cares about you even when you don’t see it. Everything is okay even if we don’t see it. You are not alone , surround yourself with people that makes you feel loved and not alone. Surround yourself with people that push you to do better and encourages you to give it your all.

Working on myself and trying to get out of my comfort zone is the best choice I’ve ever made. It’s okay to panic and it’s okay to feel not okay but always make sure to get up every time. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t feel a type of way just because of your age. Everyone deserves to be heard, everyone is strong and I know you can overcome anything. I am so proud of you today!

Could you tell me a time you felt like you weren’t good enough?

For as long as I can remember I have felt like I’ve needed to be more than I am. My childhood was rocky with a split family and high expectations. I’ve always had this overwhelming feeling that I am not worth it, I shouldn’t be here or that I am not good enough. My own mind has been my enemy on many occasions and still to this day I have these thoughts.

I spiralled downhill during the last couple of years of high school then ended up pregnant at eighteen. I recently reflected on that time of my life and realise how disappointed my parents really were. My son is now twenty, I also have an 18-year-old son and I wouldn’t trade them for the world, however, when they were young my self-talk was negative in a sense that I did not want my boys to grow up with a mum they were disappointed in, I also wanted them to grow up seeing that they can do anything they set their mind to, to have their eyes wide open to the possibilities that they are surrounded by. To be good enough.

With that, my life started to spiral upwards, I set goals and achieved them… I set bigger goals and achieved them. Surely, I’m good enough now? No, I can’t just stop now, there is no way I have made people realise I can succeed, or I can be good enough, have I? Nope, ok what’s next…. I need to prove I am worthy, prove that I am good enough

I can’t pinpoint exactly where in my life these feelings or emotions started but I have learnt to use them in a positive light, I have used them to take the next step toward whatever it is I am trying to succeed in. I have been told on numerous occasions, after voicing a new goal, that I would never succeed, I was then faced with two options – to give up or give it a go. I failed, so many times, over & over again, boy did I fail – BUT – I did not give up until I reached the success I was after.

After travelling to various countries around the world to compete in bodybuilding shows, running a successful PT business to help people change their lives, raising two amazing young men, being married to a man that loves & supports me & my boys as well as his own three children, being on a TV show and even buying my own business, some days I still feel like an imposter.

We all face negativity in life, it can be around every corner, behind every door and on the next page of every book… but, if you look hard enough you may just see there is a tiny speck of positive – in every situation.

So, am I good enough yet? I’m still not sure – the voices in my head continue to tell me to step back, out of the light and cower in a corner, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learnt to ignore them.

Could you tell me a time you felt lost?

In the beginning of 2019, I felt stuck. I felt lost, and I felt unhappy and I didn't know what to do about it. At the time, I was a college basketball player, studying business. I had gotten a wrist injury that disabled me from playing basketball and lifting weights. As silly as it sounds, I felt stripped of the things that made me who I was and the things that brought me so much happiness. I felt constantly unsure about my college major, and felt like I was not in a place where I could grow. Mid way through the year, I literally uprooted my whole life, transferred schools, changed my major, and immersed myself in a whole new environment. It was extremely challenging, but taught me an unbelievable amount about perspective, relationships/friendships, life, and myself. I definitely underestimated the amount of growth and difficulties these changes would bring me, but I truly would not have wanted it any other way.

My character was largely tested when these changes did not bring me immediate happiness. I have no problem admitting that at times when I looked in the mirror, I didn't like the person who was looking back. At times I was negative, felt sorry for myself, and found myself complaining more than anything else. I had to battle with myself each day to maintain a positive perspective while undergoing so many changes.

My goal for that year was to figure it all out. To rid myself of feeling lost and unsure about where I was going in life... But guess what?! Things did not go to plan! When I got to my new school I had another injury and needed surgery. I did not magically know the career path I wanted to take, I did not magically return to my happy and positive mindset, and I did not feel the absolute clarity I had planned for. But through that, I realized that, that is actually okay. That is more than okay- That is life. That year taught me things that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. That year taught me that feeling lost or unsure is a part of life. And it's a part of the journey that makes it fun and exciting.

How boring would life be if you always knew what was coming next? Not only that, but being lost during that period of time forced me to ask myself, and answer, the hard questions. What do I really want in life? What do I want my life to feel like? What is truly important to me? Who really matters to me? So, get lost. Get so lost that you have to find yourself over and over again. And each time, you’ll learn something new about yourself.

Could you tell me a time you felt you couldn’t let go?

Just recently I had a pretty big mental breakdown, everything changed, new roommates, my work was being shifted around and my relationship was on the rocks. I grabbed a cheap book, drove to the beach and just wrote what I felt in that moment. Which is, what follows:

“I can’t let go. I know it’s okay, but it doesn’t feel okay. It only feels okay later, once my damage has already been done and no one else is okay. I feel like no one really understands me, I feel hopeless. I feel like a bad person. That evil feeling ‘everyone hates me’, creeps in far too often, it’s a feeling that gobbles me. I feel like that weird kid, the one where only their mum thinks they’re not… she tells me things that don’t feel real. I don’t feel smart like she says, and only sometimes do I feel pretty.. and then I look at my ginormous forehead (thanks dad). She tells me I deserve everything, I feel like I deserve nothing. How do I invest my time into something positive, and still feel okay. How do I not feel stressed? What is letting go? How do you do it? Why does it feel so impossible to just be okay!”.

My anxiety destroys me, when something goes wrong, it’s fixating, it’s impossible to let go, I feel I have to push, push, push until it’s resolved, but the pushing just makes the situation WORSE. I sit there, and I plead with myself to just walk away. “Chloe, just let go it’ll be okay”. But how, how do you let go when it’s so fixating. Walking away feels physically painful. My obsession for fixing things ended up being a negative turn for my relationship, we’re okay now, but I still have a lot to learn about letting go. My partner needs to be able to walk away, refresh himself, think, be alone. I don’t know how to let him walk away, because I NEED to fix it. Learning that it’s okay just to walk away and let time heal the damage has been one of the hardest things to learn in life, especially coming into adulthood. It’s easy to say, easy to think, but putting it into action. It’s basically impossible. During, what I’ll call my mental breakdown. I sobbed, I cried so physically hard I couldn’t breathe, I called my Mum because in times like those, there is really NO ONE better to talk to. She told me it was okay, she told me it was okay to let it go and tried to rationalise with me. I said to her “I just want to be sedated”. Eventually, like always, she made me feel better.
Looking back, I feel silly but you never realise the toll anxiety takes until you’re sitting right there. It’s evil, it’s a dark cloud.

Maybe you’ve read the children’s book called ‘the red beast’. He’s supposed to be a big angry beast, that comes out when you feel angry, I feel him sometimes but I feel another kind of beast too. I feel anxiety, maybe we’ll call him the big green beast. It’s a sickening feeling, hence the green. I feel him a lot too, I feel he eats me from the inside out, he makes me feel helpless, powerless. He gives me the inability to let go. However, if I let that beast control me. I wouldn’t be here today, my suicide attempt three years ago could have been successful. If I let those thoughts eat me, chew me from the inside out, instead of just letting go I wouldn’t be here. I went from being miserable in high school, to being happy in Uni. I made new friends, I found a new partner, I adopted two crazy hounds and I’m now going into my third year of my degree. That’s not to say I don’t have my fair share of problems, but looking back, I’m doing pretty well now.

A beast inside you is normal, feelings you feel are normal. If you’ve ever watched inside out, you’ll understand why we have to feel everything. However, you’re allowed to overcome your beast. Maybe he’s red or green, but maybe he’s purple, blue or orange. Maybe he’s a she. It’s your beast. As long as you can overcome it, and you can let go when the time is right.

Read my crazy journal entry and interpret it however you like, what best relates to you. Think about your beast, and why your feelings are okay to be felt. Ask yourself, can I let go? If you can’t, that’s okay but I promise you, it will be okay, and it’s okay to let go.

Could you tell me a time you felt déjà vu?

Memories, as I understand them, are not just about a particular event, place, or group of people. I believe they are formed through a certain collection of emotions which we connect to a particular moment in time. A moment of déjà-vu when we experience a certain feeling within, transporting us straight back to an earlier version of ourself.

Being poorly while still in high school meant that for a while everything almost stood still. From being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that I would have for life, then being told I would have to go on a diet of purely nutrition drinks to try and give my body time to heal alongside strong medication, to discover weeks later that this was not working well enough and that my body could no longer tolerate most normal food at all. I have always loved food and I think that only when your ability to eat is affected, for whatever reason, do you realise how isolating it can be.

For a while life was mainly about getting by. In and out of hospital, difficult conversations about further steps we should take to help me get better and the gradual feeling that being unwell was the norm for me. Meal times became a constant reminder of being ill rather than a time to enjoy, socialise and connect.

The déjà vu I feel is connected to Edinburgh, the city that has now become my beloved second home. When I remember being unwell for the first I think back to a family trip to Edinburgh at New Year, around the time I had become sick. Inarguably, the festive season is centred around food, so being limited in what I could eat, as well as experiencing the exhaustion of my illness made this a challenging time.

I feel emotional when I think of the way my family surrounded me and tried to make things feel as normal as possible. The comforting smiles of my parents but the pain in their eyes as we struggled through the difficult situation in which we had found ourselves. And yet even then, even at my lowest point, the love of my family and friends comforted me and brought me grounding and a sense normality in this magical city.

Déjà vu is an abstract and complex feeling. When I was ill I became a patient, a sick person, getting by but not really living. Since then, my physical health is something I will cherish, the freedom to move, eat, live. Having a surgery which put my illness into remission was the gateway to my new lease of life and hope and i will always be grateful for the nurses who doctors who cared for me. I connect the memories of being ill to struggle and a feeling of loss, moving into my new life of uncertainty with a future in which I could become sick again. But I also remember my strength, the love of the people around me, and the new appreciation I found for the simplest parts of life, fresh air, laugher and warm soup which my mum cooked for me, a vibrant comfort when life felt grey.

Now when I think of Edinburgh I feel so happy. I think of my freedom now that my body is healed and healthy again. I think of my life here as a student, all the delicious food I share with my friends, coffee, jogging across the meadows, fresh air, nights out, dancing, cooking, smiles. I feel a whole new set of emotions and yet I still sometimes get déjà vu, a reminder of my younger self, what I overcame, and what I can overcome again if I need to.

Could you tell me a time you felt serendipity?

I’ve always loved the word ‘serendipity’. It means ‘the faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident’, and feels delicious just to say. ‘Seren’ is also the Welsh word for star, so it feels extra magical to me. Serendipity is coincidence, fate, a moment of divine intervention. An attitude of serendipity is about noticing the good everywhere you go; observing the small but remarkable delights of everyday life. It’s having the perfect change in your pocket, or finding the coat of your dreams in a charity shop you rarely pass by. It’s returning to your house to grab something you’ve forgotten, only to run into a lost friend on the way back. Serendipitous moments are all around if we choose to notice them. 

I’m a Religious Studies student, so I’m aware that for many people, serendipity is the work of God in the world around us. For others, it’s just good luck and a happy circumstance. When something wonderful happens to us by chance, it feels as though the universe is conspiring in our favour, whether we really believe in it or not. 

Over the last two years, the world has felt uncertain and in constant flux. We’ve been forced to change and adapt in response to events bigger than all of us- to live in new ways and miss opportunities we’ve worked hard for. Finding the good in these times has been challenging, especially for those who have lost or been separated from those they love. Sometimes, it can feel like there is no silver lining. 

What these tumultuous months have taught me is the power of finding the good in the smallest of things. Call everything magical, and suddenly magic is everywhere. Moments of serendipity seem to seek you out to surprise and delight. In October, I lost a person I really care about, and it felt as though I was an unmoored boat on a dark sea. To find my way back to shore, I began a habit of writing a gratitude journal every day. I tasked myself with finding serendipity in tiny instances; making the perfect cup of tea, or waking up at the very moment the sun rose. Over the weeks, negative occurrences suddenly became imbued with potential to be good. I also reflected on the miracle of being exactly where I was; every choice in my life had consequently led me to that sunlit Edinburgh bedroom. Serendipity brought me my greatest friends, incredible experiences, and a life I love. 

While scientists and religious studies students normally hold each other somewhat at arm’s length, I believe Einstein expressed this philosophy best. He wrote ‘there are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle’. Who knows how or why we end up where we do. Maybe it is all part of a divinely constructed plan; maybe we are all just flawed and wonderful people trying our best for the years that we have. Maybe there’s no magic, no luck, no plan. I choose to believe otherwise.

Could you tell me a time when you felt hope?

I don’t know about you, but I’m awful at doubting myself. I’ll flog myself silly over the most minute, little, teeny tiny, itsy bitsy detail and bother about it for days, overthinking like crazy with a good dollop of extra worry to finish it all off. 

It can be horrible. Comparing yourself to others, especially to those who seem to have their lives together doing something similar to you, is crippling. You feel like you’re not good enough, that you’re not working hard enough, or you’re just not cut out for it. Especially when you’re chasing a life-long dream, this is devastating; you feel like a failure - and I’ve definitely felt like this in recent weeks. However, absolutely none of this is true. 

What I’ve learnt along the winding way is exactly this: the only person telling you these things is you. If you believe in yourself and tell yourself that you are good enough for just a moment; that you’re more than cut out for chasing your dream, you’ll always succeed.Suddenly that small glimmer of hope can become a meadow of opportunity if you nurture it. 

Every job rejection and every moment of self-doubt is just more fuel to inspire you. Everyone starts somewhere, and just because you’re not where you want to be now doesn’t mean you will never be. You just have to believe that you will reach your goal one day. From painful personal experience, I know that this can be a very difficult road at first. 

In my early 20s my mental health crashed. Everything seemingly happened at once and I suffered a major breakdown. For months I was caught in a maddening mental loop. I had to reset my mind, and the only way I knew how was through nature. 

Nature became my bedrock, my sanctuary. It was the place I always came to when I needed to clear my mind, an opportunity to escape and a catalyst to hope again. It allowed me to finally live in the moment rather than inside my head, overthinking everything until it burnt out. It showed me that life wasn’t about stress or worry but about wonder and exploration, excitement and doing what you love. Nature gave me a chance to be better than I was and to improve my wellbeing by connecting with new people and the wonderfully wild world we all live in.

When it feels like you can’t see the woods for the trees; reach out, speak out, get out. It takes time, but it always gets better. You just have to hope. 

Breathe. You got this.

Could you tell me a time you took time to reflect?

I feel like recently I have had a lot of time for reflection, looking at my life and how it has taken such a different path to the way I thought it was ‘meant’ to go or how society seems to think we should.

I think I’ve always tried to fully understand how I got to where I am and wether this Nomad/traveller lifestyle was supposed to just be temporary and then I’d sort my life out (as I used to say) but I’ve realised that actually, life really is just about happiness, and I quite frankly am one very happy and lucky person.

I’ve worked many many jobs, I’ve lived in shitty houses in beautiful places, in vans, basements, currently a caravan and I’ve never once wished I had luxury.
I feel I’ve seen a good part of this big world, and I’ve met an abundance of interesting people whilst doing so, all who have inspired me with their own stories and without realising, have shaped me as a person too as I’ve tried to take these qualities and utilise them to make myself a better person.

I feel am so comfortable with who I am these days compared to the old me constantly wanting to change myself yet always wondering why I would be back where I was. But now I know, it’s because clearly I am exactly where I want to be! I realise now that ‘stuff’ gives me no enjoyment and that the simple things are what make me feel truly happy. Morning coffee, spending time with people I love, early walks, daily exercise, cooking healthy nourishing food, playing games, reading, swimming in the sea, the act of writing and sending postcards and just slowing down in general.

Covid changed a lot of things for me and my traveller lifestyle but had it not happened I would not have spent time with family, face some inner problems, discovered some things about myself and also I wouldn’t have come to Cornwall and had such a fab time down here despite it not being the place I wanted to go. I’ve yet again met another load of friends who will be in my life forever and I’m so greatful for!

I’m so looking forward to, however another new chapter in my life, heading off and seeing the world and taking on new challenges and experiences!

Enjoy everyday and learn that everything we feel is a choice. Choose to be happy in all that you do, who you speak to, how you approach situations, it really dose give you some kind of inner peace.

Could you tell me a time you felt panic?

I was twenty-two. It was a balmy summer evening. The kind where you’re thankful for the reprieve of the breeze after the unrelenting beating of the sun all day. The night felt still and calm, which was stark in contrast to how I felt inside. 

I was working overseas at a summer camp. The days were long and emotionally exhausting but somehow still splattered with fun and fulfillment. It was the kind of experience that was hard to describe to anyone outside of the bubble, and even now the words feel in-adequate. I’d reached the level of tiredness where you can’t even particularly feel the fatigue anymore. It felt like an out of body experience in all ways except that the day's events screamed for my attention so I was also acutely aware of my surroundings. I used to question whether it was humanly possible to sleep whilst swimming underwater and my bloodstream was undoubtedly made up of 99% adrenaline. 

This particular day was mildly more stressful than any other. I say that simply because they were all a bit insane. At the time, I was working in two roles from the crack of dawn, then stumbling to bed for 4 hours and getting up and doing it all over again. I was also months into this particular travel stint and feeling homesick. I was expecting it all from myself even when I can now reflect on how utterly impossible juggling so many balls at once would’ve been for anyone.

I was feeling a bit overwhelmed at the particularly crazy string of events the day had held and had taken a moment outside with a friend. I soon found myself with a front row seat to an emotional and disgruntled colleague. Confrontation isn’t my favourite thing on any day, particularly when there’s yelling involved, but on this particular day it was like kryptonite to my already stretched mental state. 

Within a matter of minutes the commotion around me became foggy because an overwhelming sense of breathlessness had taken over. It felt like the noise outside of me didn’t exist anymore and instead I was trapped in my head with four thousand panicked thoughts demanding my attention. My chest felt restricted in a way I’d never felt before and all I could manage in a constrained whisper was “I don’t know what’s wrong with me”. I don’t add one ounce of exaggeration when I say I genuinely felt like I was going to die.

Unlike me at the time, it was painstakingly clear to my friend that I was having a panic attack. It was the day I'd find out first hand that the name does not lie. It was the first of these I’d experience in my life-time, but not the last. Ironically, it was also the same exact scenario I’d spent months counselling kids out of. Calmly, confidently, recognising the signs and counting with them slow breaths until they returned to a state of equilibrium. The entire time, having no concept of just how much it takes over your entire body. How real it physically feels. How much it takes away your control and how overwhelmingly petrifying it can be. Especially, when you don’t recognise what it is. 

We’ve taken strides at advocating for and supporting mental health and all it encompasses. This is incredible, necessary and undeniably important. But, sometimes we make the mistake of thinking we understand it to the point where we can imagine what it feels like to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, when really we can’t. No matter how alike our experiences or their effects on us, whether we’ve felt this sense of panic I experienced, or stress, or anxiety, or depression, we'll all experience them in our own way.

Before this day I can say I thought I understood what panic felt like. I would breathe with others and was genuine and sincere when I provided words of comfort. But, after this day I was also acutely aware of how I could never understand this experience for someone else either. Where their limits lie in comparison to where the breaking point was for me will be different. So too will the plethora of thoughts running through their mind. And, that's crucial to recognise because every experience would also be equally valid and real. Each would include its own measure and experience of panic.

We can have a concept of the struggle of those around us, we can support, champion and advocate for one another (and we absolutely should), but we also have to acknowledge that we all see the world through a different lens. Everything is painted in a slightly different hue.

We all have mental health struggles. But, they're all real and valid. Acknowledging we could never truly understand one another’s struggle is part of making each other feel seen. Part of understanding is accepting the fact that none of us can ever truly understand at all. But, the fact that we know can’t is also what brings us together. Understanding that each of our experiences is unique, but also equal, well that's what unites us all.

Could you tell me a time when you felt in control?

My life has been a serious of ups and downs, having a baby at 18 and having to raise him as a single parent, attachment issues leading to a serious of failed and toxic relationships, an all or nothing approach to everything I did leading to extreme highs and extreme lows.

My need for feeling in control over my own life gave me the motivation to push myself hard, attaching my self esteem to accomplishing things. Through this I managed to get a masters degree, open my own clinic, competed at 5 different sports - road racing , cyclocross , bodybuilding , powerlifting and rowing. I would move on from one after achieving something in that sport, I would then have a bout of hopelessness and depression thinking ‘is that it now’ or ‘I won’t be important anymore’. Training would go out of the window and reckless habits and behaviours would take its place. Until I decided on the next goal then I was back in the zone. But it was like an addiction , whereby I needed to push myself and hurt myself in order to feel like I was in control of something.

This was hit on the head in the first lockdown when gyms closed and it was impossible to train for anything as nothing was happening anyway. As time went by I realised that I quite enjoyed the feeling of not putting pressure on myself and decided to seek the help of a naturopath to help me get on top of my diet. Little did I know that this would change my life as we talked about what I really wanted out of life. The word that kept coming up was ‘balance’.

I didn’t want to be all or nothing, high or low , tying my self worth to achieving something. It was a knife edge for me , quite black and white , I was either succeeding or I was failing. As I started to look deeper I started to understand that what I wanted from my life was balance, to be fit and healthy, and to spend more time in nature.

This lead to me finding wild swimming and increase my horizons with hiking which has helped me in so many ways. The cold water immersion has significant effects on the nervous system and has helped my moods to stabilise and give me a better quality of life overall. Now I train in the gym just to train , to be healthy. I don’t push myself beyond my limits or have the negative thought process that I must make myself suffer to feel in control. The water is my therapy now and it will never not be a part of my life. I feel connected to myself, I have better boundaries and I finally feel in control.